Honolulu Lite
Birds of a feather
booze up togetherAlo-Ha Friday
A reader forwards the following true report: Three birds fly into a bar in Kalihi. The first one, a nene, orders a chichi, with an umbrella and a piece of pineapple. The bartender blends it up and puts it on the bar. The second bird, an egret, orders a piña colada in a tall, skinny glass with a cherry. The bartender complies. The third bird sneers at his buddies' drinks. "I don't want no sissy drink," he says. "Just give me a beer and a shot." The bartender ignores him.
"Hey, buddy," the bird says, "I said give me a beer and a shot of whiskey!"
The bartender points to a sign above the bar and says, "Sorry, pal, we don't serve alcohol to mynahs."
As we all let out a collective groan, let's go to the news:
This visit was unbearable
HANOVER, Germany (Reuters) >> A performing bear entertaining pensioners in a German retirement home accidentally sat on a 90-year-old woman, killing her.Nora, a 485-pound brown bear, was being led into a hall when she stumbled on the woman's wheelchair and fell onto the woman.
(Ironically, the bear was brought in after residents complained of "accidents" during "Puppy Visit Day.")
Tale of rescue inflated
VIENNA, Austria (Reuters) >> Austrian police following up on reports of a corpse floating in Lake Constance found only an abandoned inflatable sex doll, police said.Police rushed to the lake bordering Switzerland and Germany after a boatsman called to say he had spotted a body. Police searched for 20 minutes before finding the female sex dummy.
(Various resuscitation efforts, however, continued for another few hours.)
Staying abreast of record
BERKELEY, Calif. (Reuters) >> More than 1,000 mothers and babies set a new mass breast-feeding record in an event aimed at promoting the health benefits of nursing.The 1,135 mothers in the famously flaky town near San Francisco broke the Guinness record for "Most Women Breast-feeding Simultaneously," previously held by 767 women in Australia.
(The coach of China's Simultaneous Breast-feeding Team sniffed at the Berkeley effort, saying "World record? We get more women breast-feeding than that every day at the Shanghai Mall.")
'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:
There's a rumor that a guy named Ed Case is running for governor. I think I even saw his name in the paper recently. Catch "Honolulu Lite" on Sunday for more on alleged sightings of the "Bigfoot" of the governor's race.
Quote Me on This:
"Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it." Sam Levenson
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com