Honolulu Lite
I found out something amazing about geckos the other day. Get this: All geckos are paraplegic. Wait. That can't be right. That would mean that their back legs are paralyzed. How would they be able to cling upside down to the ceiling if they were paraplegic? Being a gecko in Hawaii
is a chick thingLet's see. It was par-something or other. Ah, I got it. All geckos are paradoxical. No, that's not it either. Although some geckos seem paradoxical. (Why would a creature spend his entire life hiding behind a picture on a wall and yet have no true appreciation of art?)
Maybe it was that all geckos in Hawaii are Paraguayan? That doesn't make sense. How'd they get to Hawaii? Did the Polynesians sail by South America in their canoes on their way to the islands?
I can figure this out. A really smart guy told me this. A university professor. He said, all geckos in Hawaii are par ... par ... par ... parthenogenic! That's it! (It was just on the tip of my tongue. Actually, it's too big of word to be just on the tip of the tongue, it was sort of spread out in there, knocking up against the molars.)
Anyway, all geckos are parthenogenic. That means they are all females and don't need males to help them out in the reproductive department. Which is handy, since there are no males. I couldn't believe it when the professor told me that all geckos are chicks. You see them clinging to the screens, their translucent bellies stuffed with eggs and you think, these babes must have been making hoochie-koochie. But no, they are able to lay fertilized eggs all by themselves.
I'm surprised feminists aren't all over this. Maybe there's a secret Gertrude Stein Gecko Parthenogenic Reproductive Research Center somewhere dedicated to finding out how geckos reproduce without males and then replicating that system in human females.
As a male, however, I find the idea that females, even if they are only lizards, can reproduce without the aid of a guy kind of depressing. Do girl geckos ever wish they could invite a male lizard of another species over for a couple of termites and then make out in the warm glow of a lanai lightbulb?
I did a little research myself and discovered that my professor friend wasn't completely right. Not ALL geckos in Hawaii are female and unisexual. There is one species of gecko that has both males and females. But the males are so big, strong and aggressive that they make life miserable for the females. I suspect those loud chirping sounds you hear in your bedroom at night are the pushy male geckos yelling to females to bring them the equivalent of gecko beers.
What all geckos do have in common are immovable eyelids and the ability to lick their eyes with their tongues. I guess that means that until the obnoxious males of that one species are dealt out of the evolutionary equation (no doubt coming soon) the females can lick away their tears.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com