’Net Junkie

Shawn "Speedy" Lopes

Spam-kus can
take up hours
of your life

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It's no secret that Hawaii residents share a special relationship with Spam. We consume more of the rubbery, gelatinous pink stuff than any other state in the nation -- 6.5 million cans a year, says its maker, Hormel Foods. That's 5.5 cans per person, far more than our arteries care to know. But that's not to say we're the only Americans with a love for spiced ham. Log on to pemtropics.mit.edu/~jcho/spam/archive.html and be amazed by the sheer dedication with which Spam consumers profess their love -- and disgust -- for pressed pork.

This is a site that has earned 15 wide-ranging Web awards, including the USA Today Hot Site's Best of the Web 2000, the Worst of the Web and the National Library of Poetry Top Site. Yes, poetry. Ever hear of haiku? This Web site boasts nearly 20,000 Spam-ku. They range from weird:

Let go of your stress.
With no clothes on, squat on Spam.
You need do no more.
-- Trixie Jones (I'm a stress counselor)

To wistful:

If I must always
For gluttony be so damned
Spam be my one sin.
-- David Hamilton

Here are several "People's Choice Cuts" from unidentified Spammers:

A half-eaten slice.
Ants swarm the cold, greasy plate.
A suicide note.

CNN: Canned News

Network. Spamming the globe with
Processed, packaged news.

If you cut open
A Spam can with a jigsaw
The blade will smell weird.

Night kitchen cupboard.
Roach scuttles around Spam can.
Cutting steak in dream.

And I'd like to present the Net Junkie Get a Life prize to Tom Elliot, who submitted 42 Spam-ku in a row, including this cry for help:

Spam in a thick sock.
Swat your friends, they swing at you.
Many hours of fun.

Then again, I've just spent an hour and a half of my life reading this stuff, so what does that say about me?

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Net Junkie drops every Monday.
Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at slopes@starbulletin.com.