Honolulu Lite
Republican gubernatorial candidate Linda Lingle says that if she is elected governor, she will try to improve the quality of life for all Hawaii residents by cutting taxes, lowering food and medical costs, fighting government corruption and protecting the environment. The nerve! Lingle’s plans to improve
state imperils life on earthGov. Ben Cayetano seems to regard Lingle's relatively boilerplate political promises as a personal attack on everything he has done for the state as governor. I think he's being a tad touchy. But his apparent plan to dissect and destroy all of Lingle's proposals should prove entertaining. I envision a future press release from his office:
"To: Everyone.
From: Big Ben
Howzit. It has come to my attention that Miss Lingle thinks that life can somehow be improved in Hawaii. This is a dastardly assault on the state's traditional cultural values in general and my administration in particular.
To support my contention that Miss Lingle's reckless optimism is not only wicked, but dangerous, I assigned 43,000 government workers to analyze her agenda and determine what effect it would have on the state. After more than 432,340 man-hours of research that cost tax payers only $4.93, my analysts found that if Lingle were elected governor and she attempted to improve the quality of anyone's life in Hawaii, the state would become bankrupt 47 minutes after she took office. But it gets worse. The study, overseen by my completely objective, politically appointed department heads, also found:
>> The quality of life in Hawaii has reached its maximum sustainable level. Fifty years of Democratic rule has made life as good as it can get here for everyone, and any tinkering at this point, particularly by a Republican administration, would lead to a return to slavery, the mass torture of small animals, brain implants, the collapse of the American monetary system and the immediate wiping out of everyone's accumulated frequent flyer miles.
>> Giving residents a tax break on food purchases and medical supplies would leave the islands vulnerable to military attack by other Pacific nations such as Nauru, Chuuk and New Zealand.
>> While there have been recent incidents of government corruption, including the indictments of many prominent Democrats, it is not the fault of the Democratic Party. In fact, the arrests and prosecution of prominent Democrats was the result of a clever and insidious conspiracy by Republicans. Republicans deliberately allowed Democrats to control power in Hawaii knowing that corruption would inevitably take hold after 30 or 40 years. Those sneaky buggas.
>> Any Republican who tries to improve the environment will cause the ozone hole to enlarge and kill every living person on the planet. Look at George W. Bush. He's president for only a couple of years, and now the entire western half of the country's on fire.
>> None of the rest of Lingle's plan will work either without severe loss of life, the coming of the antichrist and higher movie ticket prices.
Considering the obvious downside to Lingle's promises to improve life in Hawaii (as documented in this completely unbiased report), I can only suggest voters play it safe and elect yet another Democrat as governor."
That would be cool. But, then again, maybe that's hoping for too much.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com