’Net Junkie

Shawn "Speedy" Lopes

Good aliases are hard to find

Most of us never give much thought to our names. We're just called what we're called and we usually die with the same one we're born with. Although I'm not at all unhappy with the name I've been given, I've noticed it just doesn't roll off the tongue like it does for James Earl Jones, Jack Black, Jet Li or even Benny Agbayani.

A certain Web site known as Planet Wally ( claims to possess several intriguing formulas to finding your "secret name." You see, in a perfect world, we'd all have names like soap opera characters: Cain Rogan, Olympia Buchanan, Lexi Sterling or Zende Forrester Dominguez. According to this site, you can find your own soap opera name by simply replacing your first name with your middle name and substituting your last name with the street you grew up on.

This probably works well for mainlanders, but for most of us living in Hawaii, the results are often disappointing. In my case, "Kalaniulumoku Waiakamilo" doesn't sound very dashing -- at least not in that Hollywood way.

"All right, you checked out your soap opera name and it stinks but you still need a secret alias," reads the site's text. "Not to worry, the creative folks here at Planet Wally have a backup plan just for you. It's your adult film star name." This one's got to be good, right? For this one, replace your first name with your favorite animal as a kid (shark, tiger, poodle, etc.) and use your mother's maiden name as your surname.

Planet Wally lays another egg. Somehow, "Ankylosaurus Lopes" doesn't have the same X-rated ring as Jake Steed, Kitty Foxx or Melissa Wolf.

If neither of these moniker-makers work for you, try Planet Wally's method for obtaining your very own drag queen name. Take the name of one of your pets (your first, preferably) and combine it with your mother's maiden name. Using these guidelines, drummer Jay Osmond of the squeaky-clean Osmond Brothers might be known in drag circles as Tango Davis; pro wrestler Bret "The Hitman" Hart, who let his 15 year-old son name his dog after rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs could claim his drag name as Combs Smith. Actor Jeremy Irons, should he ever find the urge to cross-dress, would become Speed Sharpe.

I think I'll just stick with what I've got for now.

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