Honolulu Lite
I think we can all agree that the Pledge of Allegiance has got to go. The fact that God is mentioned in it is only one of its many offensive flaws. Thank goodness (whoops, almost said "thank God!") a couple of decrepit ol' geezer judges from the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals stepped forward to rule that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. Somebody had to do it. Things were getting way out of control with this God, country and patriotism thing. A replacement for
the flag pledgeIt doesn't matter that this entire country was established on a belief in God. Remember that part of the Declaration of Independence which says that the "Creator" endowed human beings with "certain inalienable rights" including life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? I always thought it was pretty cool that this country's founders thought it was "self evident" that the Creator considered the pursuit of happiness as an inalienable right. There are plenty of countries in the world where the pursuit of happiness not only is NOT a right, inalienable or otherwise, but a crime. North Koreans and Cubans, for instance, are always trying to pursue happiness by sneaking the hell out of their country and getting killed for it. But I digress. We are talking about that outdated and offensive poem known at the Pledge of Allegiance. It is outdated and offensive not only because the word God is in there. In this self-centered country, people can't be forced to pledge allegiance to anything, especially to a flag or country. That's just so yesterday.
So here's how we fix the problem. Instead of a "Pledge of Allegiance," we have kids say a "Consideration of Acknowledgment." It would go like this:
The Consideration of Acknowledgment
"I will consider, after consulting with my lawyers, limited acknowledgment that a scrap of red, white and blue cloth somehow relates to the United States of America and to a so-called republic. I will concede for argument's sake that the country is one nation, although we'd probably be better off if we divvied up the land into many smaller, ethnically and culturally sensitive mini-nations, kind of like that part of Disney World with all the foreign restaurants. I further acknowledge that it is one nation, under every spiritual belief possible except that religion that believes you can get to heaven by eating the eyes out of certain live South American lizards. (Wait. After consulting with my attorney, I guess we'll have to include the lizard eyeball eaters, too.) Finally, I'm willing to consider acknowledgment that there is liberty and justice for several, mostly rich people in the country, while the rest of us have to get by with a hundred or so channels of cable television."
There you go. The perfect non-Pledge of Allegiance, something that everybody can agree on. It's relatively God-free, and the beauty is, you don't even have to say it if you don't want to. I believe the U.S. Consideration of Acknowledgment will become the biggest thing since the Declaration of Independence, which, by the way, is clearly unconstitutional, as is the U.S. Constitution itself. Who needs history, tradition, pledges, loyalty, God and a bunch of dusty, crusty old documents when we've got reams of lawyers for hire ready to reinvent the country on the fly? All I can say is, Something Bless America.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com