’Net Junkie
Whether pop singer Britney Spears thanks Mother Nature or a Hollywood surgeon for her stunning profile, you have to admit, something amazing is going on in her blouse. I don't pretend to have any inside dirt on Ms. Spears, but I do know of a Web site that raises interesting questions on the contents of her sweater. Log on to http://liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/britneys_breasts.asp for a comical query into one of the greatest bafflers of our time. Britney’s boobs confound logic
After a brief download, a hyperactive cartoon announcer will introduce "The Mystery of Britney Spears' Breasts" by displaying an early publicity photo of a reed-thin Britney in her mid-teens, barely rising above the buttons of her immaculate white blouse. Appropriately, a sign emblazoned with the phrase "A-cup" flits across the screen.
We fast-forward to May of 1999 and the infamous Nickelodeon award show, in which she appears in a dance routine sporting a clingy half-top and the inflated form of a Las Vegas stripper. Gasp! This performance sparks those pesky boob-job rumors.
Later that summer, Britney poses in FHM magazine in a baby-blue two-piece as a dishy but noticeably smaller C-cup. Hmmm. Not long after, our announcer reveals, she appears on a French TV special "with gazongas that even made Anna Nicole Smith jealous."
We're back up at least one cup size, people. Are you following me so far?
At the 2000 Super Bowl, Britney is outfitted in a flashy, low-cut number that screams "Full C-cup!" Now, it could be argued that the curvy warbler is a natural C who occasionally over-emphasizes her proportions for theatrical effect. A reasonable explanation, right? Not so fast. This is where things get really weird, as the animated reporter notes:
"Behold," he says, as a pair of undoctored video captures from her 2001 movie, "Crossroads" confounds viewers with irrefutable evidence that the young starlet, when featured in a bikini top, is actually flatter than a two-day old soda. "Be amazed, be confused, and draw your own conclusions," he intones, while the phrase "A-cup" flashes across the screen again.
"Remember, the truth is out there," the narrator insists. "Perhaps one day we will all know the mystery that is Britney Spears' breasts!"
Fascinating stuff, which leads me to the question: where can I snag a back issue of FHM?
Net Junkie drops every Monday. Contact Shawn "Speedy" Lopes at slopes@starbulletin.com.