Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Liquor inspectors were
the problem, not clubs

The federal indictment of more than half of the Honolulu Liquor Commission investigators has officials wringing their hands about what to do now. Should the enforcement of liquor laws be handed over to police? Should more investigators be hired?

Here's an idea. Why not get rid of all liquor inspectors? Obviously, with so many investigators on the take, no liquor laws were being enforced for the past several years. And yet we never heard of any major problem from inside the strip bars and hostess clubs. Let the cops respond to clubs if there are fights or robberies. Let the Fire Department keep the places safe. Let the Health Department make sure the pupus are edible. And let the Attorney General's Office make sure the joints are paying their taxes. Seems like getting rid of the liquor inspectors would go a long way to cleaning up the clubs, since they were responsible for most of the crime.

Now for the news:

Here's an idea. Why not get rid of all liquor inspectors? Obviously, with so many investigators on the take, no liquor laws were being enforced for the past several years. And yet we never heard of any major problem from inside the strip bars and hostess clubs.

Neighbors hip to hippo

SAN DIEGO (Reuters) >> Fish and game officials seized a pygmy hippopotamus from a suburban back yard where it has been kept as a pet for a decade.

Owner Arthur Stehly could be charged with keeping a hippo without a permit. Neighbors said they knew about the hippo but had not seen it.

"I know he used the hippo manure on his garden," said Bill Ritcher. "It can smell pretty dang bad."

(On the other hand, the 40-pound tomatoes and 20-pound spuds were pretty awesome.)

Prisoners hop to freedom

KAMPALA, Uganda (Reuters) >> Thirty-one Ugandan prison inmates escaped when their guards ran off to chase a rabbit. The prisoners were digging in a garden near the prison when a rabbit shot out of a bush and the five guards set off in pursuit. The prisoners fled in the opposite direction.

(The rabbit was caught but later escaped after pleading with the guards, "Please don't throw me in that briar patch!")

The dark side of croquet

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) >> Three men were hospitalized after being hit with mallets, and nine people were arrested after a vicious brawl between croquet and softball players.

"I didn't realize croquet was a contact sport," said detective Dean Vegso.

(Another officer said, "We just thank God they weren't curling.")

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Revealed! The secret to stopping bad things from happening to you before they happen. You will learn to harness the power of one of the great mysteries of the ages.

Quote me on this: "Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential." -- Will Cuppy

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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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