[ MAUKA-MAKAI ]

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KEN IGE / KIGE@STARBULLETIN.COM "It isn't always what you say, but how you say it that makes a difference," said Bob and Yvonne Turnbull, who teach the skills of creating stable families.

More emphasis, less stress

That's the key to keeping families
and marriages from going sour,
argues a pair who's been there

Where to go for help when domestic times get trying

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By Nancy Arcayna
narcayna@starbulletin.com

Is your home a hassle or a haven? Many people seem to have trouble keeping marriages and families together. Consumed by deadlines and responsibilities, people lose focus on the importance of family, rarely making time to eat dinner together or to talk while making the rounds of meetings, soccer, ballet and other activities.

And constant bickering in a household can create a stressful environment. As years pass in a marriage, couples may no longer display common courtesies, taking each other for granted.

"We had a strained marriage the first 10 years we were together," said Bob Turnbull, who, with his wife Yvonne, now agrees long-term relationships do not have to be this way, after discovering the trickle-down result of their arguments eventually affected their children. Now that they have mended their own problems, the couple's main goal is to help others build relationships that last.

Turnbull is widely known as the founder the Waikiki Beach Chaplain Service in 1970. The service is now conducted by Alex McAngus on the beach fronting the Hilton Hawaiian Village.

"My speaking garb consisted of a tank top, flip flops and a collar of puka shells," Bob said. "I thought that was the greatest way to speak in a church."

The Turnbulls now reside in Washington, D.C., where Bob is the pastor at McLean Bible Church, with 7,000 members. "Most of the members are inside the Beltway, working in some sort of government position. We don't just want to do Bible studies, we want to sit down and really discuss families and principles," he added.

They've been back for a few speaking engagements and a brief vacation. "It's great to come back to the beach services and see old friends, and their families -- still meeting with people I had an effect on years ago. It's a memorable account of the old days" when Turnbull also served as an assistant football coach at the University of Hawaii, a chaplain for the Hawaii Police Department and an assistant track coach at Punahou.

"D.C. is a whole different ball game. We want to influence the people and influence the nation. We want to sit down and discuss marriage and principles. And we want to teach relationship skills to congressmen and senators," said Bob.

One of the biggest stresses on families is that they are going in too many directions. "They need to sit down and discuss how many activities they will be involved in throughout the year," Yvonne said. "It builds strong family relationships when activities are planned together."

Rather than make decisions for children based on parents' or caregivers' wishes, adults should seek children's input, she said. "How would you feel, as an adult, if someone was always telling you what to do? It's amazing the great input you can get from your kids."

Families should also mark a calendar for dates with spouses, kids activities and family nights, she said. "Family night can be as simple as sitting, eating popcorn and watching a movie. We never took family vacations because we couldn't squeeze them in."

Setting aside time for a family day creates memories that last forever, she said, comparing kids to sponges when it comes to soaking in information.

"Every kid has a video camera eye and audio tape recording ears. They see and hear everything we do and say -- including what we don't do or say, but should," said Bob. He cautions parents to be aware of their actions since their kids are being trained to be future wives or husbands and mothers or fathers.

"The scream-athons, name calling and throwing Tupperware at each other's heads terrifies a child. They don't understand what is going on. Many times, they think something is wrong with them. Nothing is more horrifying to a child than to see their parents as hypocrites."

The youngsters become their parents as adults, falling into the same patterns because that is all they have ever known. There are a few who are able to break the mold. "But many unfortunately get caught in the cycle," said Bob.

Children who see their parents enjoying each other's company automatically want the same things carried over into their marriages. They will want the same kind of happiness in their marriage and family.

Yvonne recommends reading Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages."

The book shows different ways of expressing love. While some are able to express their love in words, others may never speak of their affection, choosing to show it in the things they do for loved ones.

All of the things the Turnbulls are teaching in their classes and family camps are things they have experienced themselves. "We tell others what we did and why it helped us," said Yvonne.

"Counseling is overrated," Bob said. "Most of the time, people just need a friend to listen to them, maybe hold their hand.

"It's sad to see how things are and how it doesn't have to be. We know from experience. We do our part to see if we can make a small dent and turn things around."

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Where to go for help when
domestic times get trying

Marriage

>> Marriage hot lines: Dr. Joyce Kitay offers free, confidential information based on her professional experience about when and how relationships can be preserved. Call the "Saving Marriages Information Line" or the "Cheat Line" between noon and 1 p.m. Tuesdays at 924-3027, ext. 2.

>> Marriage Encounter Interfaith Hawaii: Designed for couples deciding to marry. Call 422-5474.

>> Retrouvaille Weekend: Bob and Judy Winner teach techniques to help mend hurting marriages. Call 689-0045.

Parenting

>> 1234 Parents!: To help parents with children ages 1 to 4 to better understand their children and selves, Kapiolani Medical Center. Call 535-7000. Also at Queen's Medical Center. Series of four classes costs $60 per person. Call 537-7117.

>> Active Parenting: Helps parents handle the challenges involved in raising a child. Kapiolani Medical Center, 535-7000.

>> Active Parenting of Teens: For parents who are feeling hopeless, helpless or challenged by their teens. Kapiolani Medical Center, 535-7000.

>> Parent and Child Classes: Various classes for infants to pre-kindergarten-age children, presented by Families for R.E.A.L. Call 233-5656 for reservations. Space is limited.

>> PACT (Parents and Children Together): Information on Head Start, teen programs and parent education. Call 847-3285.

>> Parent Line: Free information and support for parents. Call 526-1222 or, from neighbor islands, 800-816-1222.

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calendars and events.