Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Alo-Ha friday

Felix decrees take
the (wedding) cake

On the local weird front: Our wayward City Councilman, John Henry Felix, is at it again. The guy runs an illegal wedding business out of his house yet nevertheless feels free to impose rules and restrictions on the rest of us. His latest proposal is to ban the use of cellular telephones while driving.

I've got an idea for a new law. How about a law banning City Council members who openly violate city ordinances from trying to saddle everybody else with new ordinances? As I've suggested before, whenever Felix suggests a new law, regulation, statute, decree or edict, everyone should just fall out of their chairs laughing.

Now some world weird news:

This knock-knock no joke

GUWAHATI, India (Reuters) >> Authorities in northeastern India are using elephants as bulldozers to demolish illegally built houses. The elephants were drafted into service to break up about 1,000 thatched houses in a protected rain forest.

(You gotta believe the elephants are digging this assignment. "Guess what, Billy? Tomorrow we get to do it AGAIN!")

Riding a hog for queen

LONDON (Reuters) >> A Hells Angel called Snob will lead a cavalcade of motorcycles through London next month as part of the celebrations marking Queen Elizabeth's 50-year rule. Snob will sit astride his hog at the head of 50 motorbikes, one for each year of the queen's reign.

(Who said only members of the Royal Family were Snobs?)

Prostitute fingers client

EDMONTON, Alberta (Reuters) >> A Canadian man's attempt to make off without paying a prostitute for her services failed miserably when he left behind some crucial evidence: his employer's truck and one of his fingers.

Police found the pickup, bloodstains on the door, clumps of blond hair and three-quarters of an inch of finger. The prostitute bit the finger off during a tussle after the man refused to pay her.

"There's a lot of lessons here, and they're all really apparent," said a police spokesman.

(Yeah, but let's run through them just for the fun of it.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Former TV news reporters Barbara Marshall and Jerry Drelling are considering running for the Honolulu City Council. Former TV reporters Jon Yoshimura, Nestor Garcia and Bob Hogue already have been elected to public office. Why do newspaper weenies never take the plunge into elective politics? The answer is in "Honolulu Lite" this Sunday.

Quote Me on This: "It doesn't make any difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature." -- Steven Wright

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Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

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