Honolulu Lite
By the time you read this, Forgea the Seagoing Mutt probably will have his own TV show next to SpongeBob SquarePants. (For the tragically unhip: SpongeBob SquarePants is a cartoon sponge and one of the hottest characters on TV. Frankly, I don't get it either, but, hey, if it keeps the kids off crack, I'm all for it.) Saga of the sea dog
just keeps growlingForgea, as everyone in the United States now knows, is the dog who was abandoned on an Indonesian tanker after it caught fire and its crew of Chinese sailors was rescued by a passing luxury liner.
This has been a hell of a story to try to get in front of because of its Hollywood-like twists and turns. First, the crew was rescued by the cruise liner (yay!), then we found out the captain's dog was left on board (boo!), then the Hawaiian Humane Society launched an expensive attempt to locate the drifting hulk and save the dog (yay!), then it was learned the entire crew, after landing safely in Honolulu, fled underground (boo!), then the Humane Society couldn't find the boat (double boo!), but then someone else found the boat (yay!), then the Coast Guard raced to the scene to find the dog still alive (double yay!), but then dog refused to be rescued (aww, rats!), and then ...
Well, as my little fingers dance across the keyboard, I have no idea. This hound of the high seas has burned me several times already. I wouldn't be surprised if by now Nickelodeon producers have dispatched a "Cute Concept SWAT Team" consisting of lawyers, writers, animal trainers and retired Green Berets to scoop the animal up in Apache attack helicopters.
I can't wait for the custody battle over Forgea to ensue. The ship captain, seeing dollar signs, might claim ownership, but there's probably a law of the sea that states when you desert your dog saving your own butt while abandoning ship, the animal becomes salvageable material and the property of whoever finds it (wee Gilligan vs. Thurston Howell III, re: Episode 492: "Shishi the Shipwrecked Shar-Pei").
Which would mean that the Hawaiian Humane Society may be out the more than $50,000 it spent searching for the dog.
There's been a lot of complaining about the Humane Society spending that money in the first place, mostly from people who have never given the society a dime. The head of the Institute for Human Services, known as the "Peanut Butter Ministry," a fine organization that depends on contributions to feed the homeless, lamented how far that 50 grand could have gone to help needy humans instead of one dog.
True. How true. On the other hand, in the real world, it's every charity for itself, and a precious pup on a ship trumps a geezer sleeping one off in a doorway. Perhaps it's time for the IHS to diversify into the Institute for Abandoned Humans and Pets Services. Its motto: "Peanut Butter and Kibble, When It Comes to Life, Please Don't Quibble."
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com