Honolulu Lite
Writing is easy. Talking is hard. That's what I was thinking as KITV morning co-anchor Paul Udell was speaking to me while we shot one of the new "Lighter Side" TV segments in their King Street studio. ‘Lite’ on TV:
The tongue trips hereI should have been concentrating on what Paul was saying, but my mind was wandering. That's the difference between writing a column and doing a column-like segment on television: When I'm writing I know when I'm done. But when conversing with another party on camera, it's important that they know when you're done, too.
And that's why things suddenly were getting weird. I had finished up my little spiel with a punch line of sorts, thinking, "That's a wrap." But the camera kept rolling and Paul kept talking to me. I knew he was talking to me because I saw his lips moving. But I was busy thinking, "What's going on here? I thought we were done. What's he talking about?"
It was fascinating, in a terrifying, out-of-body-experience sort of way. Eventually, Paul realized I had slipped off the rails and brought the nightmare to an end. Luckily we weren't live and could retape the segment. But screwing up like that on TV is like missing a 2-foot putt while golfing. Your confidence is destroyed. You get what they call "the yips," wherein facing even the shortest putts gives you vertigo, palpitations and the dry heaves.
It wasn't that bad in the television studio -- I mean, I didn't throw up on the plastic flowers. But I had an acute awareness that every time I messed up, I was putting out a lot of people: the floor director, the camera person, an important person in a headset, other important-looking people in a control booth and, I suppose, the parking lot attendant. There are a lot of important-looking people in a studio doing important technical things that all come to a sudden halt when one knucklehead doesn't pay attention.
Somehow, we managed to get a passable tape the second try, and I was going to suggest martinis all around, just for medicinal purposes, when I remembered it was only 7 a.m.
When I'm writing my column in the comfort of my own office, I can mangle a metaphor and dangle a participle without my dog even raising an eyebrow. But get inside a television studio, and suddenly you realize you are at biology's mercy: a mass of organs and glands housed in a frumpy framework of fat and tissue capable of suddenly emitting utterances, toots, burps and verbal gaffs completely without warning.
It sounds somewhat reckless, not to mention dangerous, to let someone like me into a TV studio. But Paul has been very supportive at bringing a version of "Honolulu Lite" to early morning television, and as long as he's game, I am.
If you enjoy watching car wrecks and impending disasters, you can catch episodes of the ironically named "Lighter Side" on KITV Channel 4 Monday mornings.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com