Honolulu Lite
There's an alternate universe out there where bad credit is no problem, nude celebrities want to show you their bodies, where Viagra is free and university diplomas fall from the sky. If you have a computer and you get e-mail, then you no doubt are one of the lucky people constantly invited into this universe. Hot, steamy columnist
seeks reliefI've never visited this place. In fact, I step on these e-mails like cockroaches, as fast as I receive them. At times there are so many I do a veritable flamenco dance, stomping, stomping, stomping as fast as I can. And yet the offers still come. Blond twins want to discuss their sexual proclivities with me. Sharpies urge me to fire my boss and work at home. There are free credit cards, cheerleaders on command and all manner of drugs designed to help me get "big, ripped and strong," lose 25 pounds in 25 minutes and improve my, uh, what-a-ya-call-it, memory.
The thing is, I already work at home. I'm afraid that losing 25 pounds in 25 minutes would involve an amputation of some sort. And, frankly, as much as I love the concept of discussing sex with two blond twins (as opposed to say, three blonde twins), I'd probably say something stupid and embarrass myself.
Last time I checked one of my Internet accounts, I had more than 350 e-mails waiting for me. And not one of them was a legitimate message from a friend, acquaintance or angry reader. Every single e-mail was a bizarre invitation into a scary world of (allegedly) free sex, easy loans and hair regeneration. I take that back. One of the e-mails came from "Uncle Larry," who was selling a beef jerky recipe for $4. What the heck was Uncle Larry doing loitering around all that wanton degeneracy? Uncle Larry's selling beef jerky right next door to "hot nurses doing the most nasty things imaginable."
And what about those nurses? Have they no professional pride? Run, Uncle Larry, run! Before it's too late!
I'm not naive enough to believe that this potpourri of perverse goods and services actually is free. Exhortations to "get steamy hot sex online" and "see some of those teen movie stars naked" obviously will cost you a bundle of money or land you on some secret FBI perverts list. Or both.
But even if they didn't cost me a penny, I wouldn't be interested, not even in the more benign offers. I don't want to spy on my neighbor. In fact, when he's outside hosing off his driveway with his shirt off, I close my blinds.
I don't need the doctor's potion that "will make her scream your name!" My wife already screams my name: "Charley, take out the garbage! Charley, do the dishes! Charley, get the hell off the computer!"
The only e-mail offer I want is one that tells me how to stop this flood of disgusting e-mails.
Maybe when Uncle Larry's done selling his beef jerky recipe, he can get to work on that.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com