Honolulu Lite

CHARLES MEMMINGER

Celebrity boxing was a knockout

I may have spoken too hastily in putting down Fox TV's so-called "celebrity boxing" extravaganza.

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I found the bout between disgraced ice skater Tonya Harding and reconstructed sexpot Paula Jones strangely exhilarating. Tonya beat Paula like a piñata. Poor Paula hit like a girl, which is to say, like Rob "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle, who had the snot knocked out of him by Todd "What you talkin' bout, Willis?" Bridges from the show "Diff'rent Strokes."

All I can say is "More! More! More!" But make it grudge matches like Hillary Clinton vs. former U.S. Munchkin of Labor Robert Reich, or the kid who played Harry Potter vs. the kid who played Frodo, or if they want a Hawaii angle, how about Frank Fasi vs. Jeremy Harris? Although, I'll bet Fasi would pound Harris into poi. Fasi may be elderly, but he's got a lot of suppressed hostility.

Now the news:

And in this corner ...

GEORGETOWN, Ky. (AP) >> A college beauty pageant turned ugly when a dress rehearsal ended in a scuffle between "Miss Congeniality" and a school official.

College freshman Keaton Lynch Brown was dragged down some steps by the student activities director during a dispute about Brown's talent segment, a cowboy dance routine in which she roped a stuffed pig.

(The activities director said the routine brought ridicule on the entire state of Kentucky because Brown refused to rope the stuffed pig while wearing high heels and a bikini.)

Just another cat fight

BERLIN (Reuters) >> German zoo officials hoped love would be in the air when they introduced a lioness to a new mate, but the suitor did not find the lioness to his taste.

Or maybe he did. As soon as he was put in the cage, he attacked and killed his betrothed.

"There's always a risk with these meetings," said a spokesman. "We're now looking for another lioness."

(Fox TV has bought the rights to the next meeting for inclusion in its new show "Celebrity Cat Fights." The Tonya-vs.-Tigger bout should be a sellout.)

In yet another corner ...

JOHANNESBURG (Reuters) >> Thousands have visited a new Web site that allows players to shoot Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe from a cannon into the International Court of Justice.

Players score top points by hitting Serbian war crime defendant Slobodan Milosevic in the Hague with Mugabe.

(Fox is trying to book Mugabe and Milosevic for a tag-team match against Tonya Harding and Rosie O'Donnell.)

'Honolulu Lite' on Sunday:

Police are hunting for the person who gunned down a guy with a record of 81 arrests and more than 30 convictions. After they find the shooter, maybe the cops can hunt down the judges and parole board members who kept putting the victim back onto the streets.

Quote me on this: "My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies." -- W.C. Fields

---

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com

---