Honolulu Lite
I probably shouldn't be telling anyone this, but I'm about to become a very rich man. The widow of Mobutu Sese Seko, former murderous dictator, I mean, benevolent president of Zaire, sent ME an e-mail requesting MY help in hiding $18 million from a vicious Congolese warlord. Zaire widow zillionaire
seeks Lite aidI know what you're thinking. Why would Mrs. Sese Seko seek out a Hawaii newspaper humor columnist in such a desperate international financial enterprise? Because, unlike you, she appreciates my expertise in global economics. I knew someone eventually would realize that I am not just another pretty columnist, but a man of destiny, waiting in the wings to step onto the world stage.
But I have to admit, I was both flattered and a bit surprised that the widow reached out to me.
"Dear Friend," she wrote, and we are dear friends, although I don't recall ever meeting the lady. "I am Mrs. Sese Seko, widow of the late President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire?" I'm not sure why the question mark is there, but I'm not going to let a little mis-punctuation get in the way of a budding financial partnership.
She says she escaped to the Congo with her sons "Ivvone and Basher" (how precious to name a son after one of Santa's reindeer!). But then Congo prez Laurent Kabila tried to "freeze all my late husband's treasures deposited in some European countries." The bastard.
"My children and I decided laying low in Africa to study the situation till when things get better, like now that President Kabila is dead," she wrote me. (The dear woman. Obviously she meant "better" for her, not Laurent Kabila.)
Now she's got $18 million hidden away and needs to sneak it into an American bank account, which I completely understand. You wouldn't, because you don't understand international finance. But these kind of deals go down all the time. Humor columnists all over the country have become millionaires engaging in this kind of business.
The way I make money on this deal is, I get a cut of the $18 million as soon as it's transferred into my bank account. I'd better send a note to my bankers. My account has never contained more than $3,451 at one time, and a sudden $18 million influx may surprise them.
Along with getting a multimillion-dollar commission on the deal, the widow also wants me to advise the family on real estate and other investments. I'm gonna suggest she get a Zippy's franchise and maybe set up a few porno Web sites because that's just like printing your own money, man.
All the widow needs to get this project going is my bank account number, Social Security number and my ATM access codes. I normally wouldn't give that stuff out, but if you can't trust a widow, who can you trust? Besides, despite all the warnings about African Internet scams, I know a sweet deal when I see it.
Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards, appears Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. E-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com