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"Happily ever after" is a what most newlyweds dream about and expect. And why not? We are raised on fairy-tale endings.
A couple who weathered their own
marital trouble offer a nonthreatening
environment for better communicationBy Nancy Arcayna
narcayna@starbulletin.comSome girls spend a lifetime dreaming of the man she will marry, the dress she will wear, what he will be like and the kind of house she will live in -- all the romantic details. What we forget is that fairy tales are fantasies.
Two people bring their own unique values and cultural and religious beliefs into a relationship. Once reality sets in, differences emerge, and disagreement may obscure feelings of love. Add to that the pressures of modern society, which often leave people with little time to concentrate on relationships. Moonlight strolls on the beach, romantic dinners and passion can suddenly turn into nights in front of the TV set, effortless dinners and discussions on who's chauffeuring the kids this week.
"For most people the problem in a relationship is communication breakdown," said Judy Winner, who with her husband, Bob Winner, hosts Retrouvaille, a program used to help save hurting marriages. "Many of us spend most of our lives hitting our heads up against a wall to try to get someone to change to the way we think they should be.
"When infidelity, substance abuse or physical abuse is involved, it may seem even more hopeless," she said.
People don't start relationships thinking how they will end. "Most couples in a committed relationship want to make it work," said Judy. But if you are not communicating well and are from different backgrounds, faiths or cultures, that in itself can tear you apart, she explained.
"Bob and I were ripped apart for the first eight years of our marriage. Learning to accept Bob has been a rough road. We didn't think we wanted to be together anymore," said Judy.
"I knew we had a relationship problem before we were married. There were moments of silence, and I'd wonder why he wasn't saying things," said Judy. "After we were married, we were living as singles in a married relationship. Lots of isolation, abandonment and feelings of loneliness go on there. And anger can either get suppressed or explode."
"I was the one threatening divorce," Bob said. "I thought it was the only way out. I didn't want to go to counseling. Being a guy, I thought it was no one else's business. I don't want to air out my dirty laundry. In my family it was wrong to strongly disagree or argue. So, when we would get into arguments, I'd just leave the house."
And divorce is easy nowadays. All you need is money, and any attorney can dissolve a marriage, he added.
The Winners started the Retrouvaille program in Hawaii since a similar program helped to save their own marriage. They hope to help others having difficulty in their marriages. "Retrouvaille" (pronounced re-tro-vi) means rediscovery in French, and the program originated in Quebec, Canada. Subjects covered by the program range from masks people wear, to sex, to the impact of modern society on relationships. Religion is discussed during part of the session, but the Winners explained that it should not scare couples away. "It's not a God weekend, it's a couples weekend," said Judy.
After attending the marriage encounter, Judy said she felt the hope that her marriage to Bob might endure. That was 26 years ago.
"We have really learned to appreciate one other's uniqueness," she said, after originally thinking she could change Bob's behavior once they were married.
"I didn't know that Bob had feelings. I don't even think Bob knew he had feelings, said Judy. "We live in a society where big boys don't cry, so they learn to push their feelings down. Women want all the cuddly stuff. And instead we get the 'yeps' and 'nopes.' I kept thinking I can't live like this -- there has to be more than this."
Bob added, "On the weekend, when we started to get in touch with our feelings, Judy saw me as a whole new person."
"He was gentle and tender under the surface. I didn't even know this man after eight years. To this day I'm still learning more about him," she said.
"Many professionals send people to us. They generally work on the problem areas, and we work on the communication.
"Some couples are already divorced when they come but decide to stay together and remarry after spending the weekend together," said Bob.
The Winners said there is a 70 percent success rates for couples who try to learn the communication techniques at Retrouvaille. Couples are interviewed before attending a weekend session. When abuse is part of the relationship, couples are asked to seek professional help before attending the three-day getaway, which includes meals and lodging.
"We take away all distractions so they can totally focus on each other and begin to rebuild the relationship. There are no TVs or phones in the rooms. And no socializing between the couples attending is allowed," Judy said. "Sometimes during the weekend, a door opens up -- it's not a major miracle, but they may be able to communicate on a level where they can start to make some changes.
"The one question they must answer is, 'Do you want to save this marriage?' and many of them can't get past that. They just hang up," said Judy. Both parties need to make the choice that they want the marriage to work.
Sessions begin with three couples who have been through the program sharing their stories of struggle and reconciliation.
"We never counsel the couples. That's not our role," Bob said. "We are a married couple who has gone through a similar experience and learned how to work things out. We have been married 34 years now. The experience really turned our whole relationship around. It was either that or divorce."
The marriage encounter provided a nonthreatening environment for Bob. "No one forced me to do anything. And I was not blamed for anything. They just gave me some guidelines to help us communicate better. Back then, I would have said it was Judy's fault, not mine. But with the communication techniques we were taught, we found we were able to disagree and still come to some kind of consensus."
The road has not been easy, but the Winners feel it's a worthwhile trek. "It's a lot of work, and we continue to work on our relationship. It's never easy," said Judy.
"The difference now is that we know there is a way to make things work," added Bob.
Children can also be dragged into the middle of marital problems. The Winners had two children ages 3 and 5 at the time of their crisis. "The impact on our children was phenomenal. We used to pretend everything was together for the children's sake. But kids notice what is really going on," said Bob.
"When children are involved, oftentimes they get pulled to one side or the other," said Judy. "I think I used the children against my husband. They were more drawn to me because I was nurturing. It's almost like they were on my side, and that left Bob feeling isolated."
Some couples live in separate rooms because they don't want to experience a divorce or they are doing it for the sake of the children, he said. If couples are constantly arguing and hurting one another, they have to decide to make changes or continue dealing with the pain and stress.
The Winners feel that their entire family benefited from learning how to communicate. Judy said, "As the children were growing older, they used to call St. Stephen's the place where you learn to love.'"
The next Retrouvaille weekend will be held tomorrow through Sunday at St. Stephen's Diocesan Center on the Pali. It will be repeated in September. A $50 nonrefundable deposit is required. Call 689-0045.
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