Honolulu Lite
Searching the
underworld
for bootleg fatI was nervous as I knocked on the door, looking up and down the alley to make sure no Nutrition Narcs were lurking. I was always nervous when I visited an underworld fat parlor for the first time. But I was more nervous because this was Al Cazone's, the most notorious speak-greasy in Honolulu.
A small wooden panel slid back. I whispered the code word I had been given: "Bacon-double-cheeseburger."
The door opened enough for me to slip in. After all I'd heard, Al Cazone's didn't look much different from the other speak-greasies I had been to. It was garishly well-lit, with sparkling stainless steel counters and thugs and other rough-looking characters dressed in red-and-white-striped Al Cazone aprons and wearing paper hats.
In fact, the joint looked pretty much like any other legit fast-food place on the outside. Except for the prices. On the lighted menu board above the counter, the special was a 12-inch "meat-lovers" pizza for only $9.99. Three cheeses, pepperoni, sausage, salami and bacon ... all that fat for $9.99? It definitely was bootleg grub. Nobody could pay the state "Fat Tax" on that much food and sell it for under 10 bucks.
The place was packed. Not that there were that many people. It's just that the kind of folks who frequent speak-greasies tend to be, well, super-sized. I told myself I wasn't like them. I was just a recreational fat eater. I didn't have that chub-monkey on my back, did I?
How'd things get so bad? The way things always go bad, on the highway of good intentions. Sin taxes, we were told, would make everyone happier and healthier. When the cost of a pack of cigarettes was jacked up to $25 ($3 for the cigs, $22 tax) a lot of people quit smoking. Poor people, that is. Rich folks don't mind dropping big bucks for a pack of coffin nails. Average joes had to buy smuggled untaxed cigarettes from shady underworld mini-marts.
Then the do-gooders turned on the fast-food industry. Fatty foods caused more health problems then smoking. Fatties were costing society millions. Never mind that the staggering "fat tax" levied on fast-food restaurants hurt the economically challenged who just wanted tasty, affordable meals. They couldn't pay for $20 tacos and $100 plate lunches.
As in the days of prohibition, the underworld stepped in. Speak-greasies opened with names like Ma (Manapua) Baker's, Bonnie and Fried's, Bugsy Bagel's, Wo (Saturated) Fat's, and Buttered Buns Moran's. A whole new type of criminal was born: Fat Felons.
I sat back in the molded pink plastic seat after devouring my sausage calzone, realizing I was one of them. I wiped the grease from my mouth and lit a cigarette. A giant shadow crossed the tabletop. I looked up to see the largest, deadliest busboy I'd ever seen.
"Snuff out that butt, you mug," he growled. "You tryin' to ruin my health?"
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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