Honolulu Lite
Some people have been attacking Gov. Ben Cayetano's decision to choose a mainland artist to paint his official portrait instead of spending the $30,000 commission on a Hawaii artist. Gov. Ben finally gets
the big pictureI've got to side with Gov. Ben on this one, and I can sum up my reason in two words: Queen Elizabeth.
When it came time to paint the queen's mug last year, the greatest painter in the kingdom was summoned to the palace.
That man was Lucian Freud, a guy who is lucky that he lives in 21st-century Britain instead of several centuries ago. Had he painted a portrait of King Henry VIII in the style in which he painted Queen Elizabeth, his head would have been displayed in the Anne Boleyn Hall of Recently Severed Noggins.
These days, kings and queens (and, I'm pretty sure, governors) can't simply decapitate those who displease them, which takes a lot of the fun out of being a monarch. So Freud pulled a fast one on queenie by depicting Her Highness in the royal portrait as something of a cross-dressing linebacker.
You've got to see this picture to truly appreciate the depth of disgust in which the painter apparently holds this woman. (Type "ugly queen" into any Internet search engine, and among about 3,000 entertaining porno sites, you'll come across Freud's portrait.)
Of course, much of the art world in the U.K. raved about the "honesty" of the queen's painting, much as they would have raved about her "new clothes" had she stepped stark naked onto a royal balcony. Others less kind noted, "The chin has what can only be described as a 6 o'clock shadow and the neck would not disgrace a rugby forward."
I'm sure Cayetano saw the hideously vicious portrait of the queen and said, "That ain't gonna happen to this goomba."
So, yeah, it would have been nice for Cayetano to hire a local artist to paint his portrait, but Cayetano knows he isn't the most loved governor in the state's history. He couldn't risk paying good money for a portrait that would make him look like Tattoo from "Fantasy Island" or Queen Elizabeth with a golfer's tan.
For his portrait, Cayetano picked Daniel Greene, a painter who knows which side his palette is buttered on. Greene's done portraits of people like William Randolph Hearst, who I'm sure still had the power of decapitation when he was alive. Greene knows his high-powered subjects aren't looking for "honesty," they're looking to appear about 10 pounds thinner and 50 IQ points smarter.
In a few hundred years, after we all are long gone, Hawaii residents visiting the Capitol will look at a portrait of a governor who was wise, handsome, sensitive, benevolent and strong. Then they'll look farther down the wall and see the portrait of Cayetano. (Just kidding, Ben.) Hey, for $30,000, you just hope you don't look constipated.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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