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Eternal happiness is
only a marriage vow away
"Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper?": Airs at 8 p.m. today, on KHET/PBS
By Scott Vogel Are you taking a holiday from today's holiday? Does it feel like your best romantic days are behind you? Would you like to have more and better sex?
svogel@starbulletin.comWhat if I told you an elixir exists that will not only fan the flames of passion, but also make you live longer? And what if I told you that it could make you wealthier than you've ever dreamed?
All right, don't crowd. There's plenty of the potion to go around. In fact, this secret to sexual, financial and physical health is cheap, plentiful and easily acquired. It's called marriage, you fool.
What? You don't believe that an oft-derided social institution, mocked by the liberal media, is the answer to your prayers? That's because you're still in the spin cycle of the feminist, psychological and sexual revolutions that have wreaked havoc on this noble bond. Furthermore, you haven't listened as Cokie Roberts narrates "Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper?" -- airing tonight on PBS.
Sure, sitting through this documentary is like attending the wake of someone you didn't really care for. And yeah, all the talk about "the crisis in marriage" to the accompaniment of oboe-laden background music is pretty grating. But experts quoted here say walking down the aisle remains the best path to fulfillment and, not incidentally, societal stability. But quiet, everyone. It's Roberts' turn to talk.
"Weddings speak to something timeless," says Cokie, noting that today's average ceremony costs $20,000 and is witnessed by 185 guests. Marriage is an ancient rite supported by one's family, consecrated by religion, sanctioned by the state and applauded by the community. It is also in deep trouble. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and 30 percent of all American children are born out of wedlock.
To the rescue comes Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, whose film is a kind of marriage pep rally. "Marriage has a record of accomplishment that may have been forgotten," intones Cokie, a 35-year veteran of the institution, while strolling through a field of wildflowers.
This is a prelude to a marriage history lesson, "Looking Back," in which we learn that arranged marriages were once the norm and that we owe the concept of free consent to, of all things, the Catholic Church. As a result of the Reformation, marriage law shifted from church to state, and what began as a private affair became a public phenomenon.
Roots of current malaise can be traced to the 1960s era of sexual promiscuity (as Grandma always said, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?), the rise in feminism and new definitions of happiness.
Salvation lies, apparently, in the various "marriage movements" so popular these days, and the alliance of said movements with "fatherhood movements," as well as religious movements, and so forth.
The film does a commendable job cataloging the sad consequences of unstable adult relations, none more heartbreaking than the harm it causes our kids. Divorces trigger a Kubler-Ross-type series of reactions in children, it turns out, and research on adult children of divorce shows they "suffer a residue of symptoms in which they were afraid disaster would strike unaware," says marriage and divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein.
In other words, marriage is a subject we should treat with seriousness. But if so, "Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper?" is a lackluster piece of propaganda. Consumed with the institution's nobility, the film curiously ignores the one thing that keeps marriage popular: the desire for lifelong love.
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SO WHERE do you go for a more passionate take on relationships? We thought we'd try the opera, where smoldering cohabitation is the norm."When I first met Norman, we were performing in an opera that he's very famous for, 'Die Meistersinger,'" says Kristine Ciesinski, who stars in "Salome," opening tomorrow at Hawaii Opera Theatre. "I was the girl, and he was the wise old shoemaker, and in that opera the wise old shoemaker does indeed love the girl, Ada, but he gives her up to the younger tenor."
Most of the time, that is. In this particular instance, the baritone, Norman Bailey, was smitten in real life, and thus Ada didn't get away quite so easily. "He invited me out to dinner one night, I read his palm, and that kind of started it all. Palm reading's one of my things. That and flying airplanes. I'm kind of insane."
Ciesinski didn't say whether Bailey's hand foretold an 18-year happy marriage, but that is what fate dictated, the couple somehow managing to juggle two international opera careers, one Idaho homestead and six dogs. E-mail is crucial.
"We're on the Internet and on the phone every day when we travel," adds Ciesinski.
Traveling is a staple of Ciesinski's existence, especially as Salome, a role she's asked to perform worldwide. We had to ask how the marriage has weathered the Strauss opera's stickiest element: the dance of the seven veils, during which Ciesinski has occasionally flashed her breasts (she won't in Honolulu).
"Norman's a theater animal, so he knows," she says. "I've had to kiss many a man and perform quite a few stylized copulation scenes. He's never had any problem with that."
If anything, Bailey seems far more worried about his wife's adventurous hobbies.
"My husband does not really enjoy flying, and I don't really enjoy chess," says Ciesinski of their differences, "but people have to realize that you're individuals, and that the best thing for a marriage is to let the other person be who they are."
If you can accomplish that feat, she says, the rewards of matrimony can be great.
"I hate to say that people give you security, but Norman did. He brought an incredibly peaceful, stabilizing and unconditional-love side to my life that I don't think many people enjoy. That's an incredible thing to have in your life."
Presented by Hawaii Opera Theatre 'Salome'
When: 8 p.m. tomorrow, 4 p.m. Sunday and 7:30 p.m. Tuesday
Where: Neal Blaisdell Concert Hall, 777 Ward Ave.
Tickets: $27 to $95; discounts for students
Call: 596-7858
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