Valentine's Day can be beautiful when you have that special someone to share the cards, candy and commitment. Singing the single and
searching Valentine bluesBy John Berger
jberger@starbulletin.comAmy (not her real name) made her Valentine's Day plans well in advance. She's taking the day off from work and will veg out on the couch watching romantic "chick flicks" like "Sleepless in Seattle" with a big box of chocolates and her loyal cat for company.
Amy is a typical single who finds the annual couples' holiday the meanest of the year for those who have not yet found "the one."
"All the guys I meet are either married, still getting over their last bad relationship or have no teeth," she said, explaining that she and her sister use the term to describe men who don't take care of their appearance. She says her sister probably has similar plans.
Ron (not his real name) also expects to be alone on Valentine's Day.
"If I meet a woman who seems to be everything I'm looking for, she's either married or in a serious relationship -- or not interested, maybe not in me, maybe not in marriage at all," he said.
"Some people say you find love when you're not looking for it. Others say you have to be out there looking for it as much as possible. All I can say is that this is the one time of the year when if you're not a player and single, you really feel it."
So, while Valentine's Day is about hearts and flowers and hugs and kisses for couples, it can be a time of introspection and even depression for singles, including the divorced or widowed.
The November-December holiday season can be tough time, but island families often invite single friends to share the fellowship that surrounds Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's celebrations. Valentine's Day is by definition a "two's company, three's a crowd" affair.
Although local counselors and mental health service providers report no seasonal "spike" in calls for help comparable to that of the Christmas season, there's no question that being single on Valentine's Day can magnify feelings of loneliness or isolation. It's natural for singles to recall the happiest moments of past relationships and wonder when that ideal "prince" or "princess" will appear.
Spending Valentine's Day alone can be particularly stressful for people who feel their "biological clock" is running. Sometimes the pressure comes from within. Sometimes it comes from parents impatient for grandchildren, or other relatives or "friends." Nancy (not her real name), knew she was doing the right thing in breaking off her engagement to her affluent but emotionally abusive boyfriend. Her mother didn't see it that way.
"She said, 'You're almost 30 and still not married! You can't be so picky!' and believe me, I thought about it," Nancy said. She's still weighing her options.
THERE IS PLENTY of advice out there, whether it comes from friends, family members or New York magazine editors. Each new issue of Cosmopolitan and similar magazines offers strategies for catching and holding a man, and there is always room at the bookstore for another unisex "how to" guide to relationships.
"How to Know if Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less" is a book by Neil Clark Warren, who advises making a frank and thorough assessment of who you are and what you have to offer, doing the same regarding your ideal partner, and then sticking to that blueprint when dating.
"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships," by Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol, explains why some people who say they want a long-term relationship fail to find one.
And, since American social mores still expect men to take the lead in forgetting their fear of rejection, there are also books like Eric Weber's longtime cash cow, "How to Pick Up Girls!" Weber must have made a fortune by passing on two obvious bits of information to his male audience: 1) Some women will find you attractive, others won't, and 2) The only way to find out which is which is to do something.
Members of both sexes can try their luck on the bar scene, joining clubs or groups, or by attending one of the glitzy, contemporary Christian churches. "Mixer" events come and go; on one hand you can assume that everyone there is hoping to meet someone, on the other, well, who wants to seem desperate?
Ditto for the suddenly trendy phenomenon known as "speed dating." How many people really want their social life to be someone else's barroom entertainment? Ron sums up the experience of being "single but looking" with an analogy to "The X-Files." Instead of "the truth is out there," the single's creed is "someone is out there."
Luckily, while couples are dining, cuddling and holding hands in private quarters, events tied to Valentine's Day have singles in mind. Check out the events on Page G8, and lift yourself out of that couch. Then, instead of being a lost day, Valentine's Day could turn into a lucky one.
"Dream to Dance:" Latin, swing and ballroom dance music and dance show, 6-10 p.m. today, Rumours Nightclub. Call 734-0264. PLACES TO GO
Zoorotica: Moonlight tour features mating rituals of the zoo's inhabitants, and "Zoorotic" stories and music under the stars, Thursday. Tours start at 6:30, 7, 7:30 and 8 p.m. Cost: $25 per adult. Call 971-7174.
Adult mixer: 7 p.m. Friday, Unity Diamond Head, 3608 Diamond Head Circle. Live music and food for purchase. Bring nonperishable food donation for Hawaii Food Bank for admission. Call 735-4436, ext. 331.
"Heal the Hearts:" Cure a broken heart at Coates & Frey's Valentine's Day Ball, 4:30 to 9:30 p.m. Friday at Ocean Club. Pupus and one drink per attendee. Free; reservations required. Call Abby at 524-4854.
Kindred Hearts Valentine singles party: With pupus and beverages, 7:30 p.m. Friday. Cost: $25. Reserve at 524-2712. Inquire about speed dating.
Valentine's dance: Dance at Camp Mokuleia with dinner at Rick's by the Reef, 6:30 to 10 p.m. Saturday. Nonsmoking, nonalcoholic program features Latin and ballroom dance demos. Cost: $20 adults, $17 keiki. Reserve at 941-3927 by 5 p.m. Thursday.
"Speed Dating": Sponsored by Kindred Hearts, 8 to 10 p.m. Feb. 22. Cost: $7. Reserve at 524-2712.
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calendars and events.
