All lost-love reunions do not have happy endings. The person may have changed, already have a relationship with someone else, or you may even find that as a couple you no longer have anything in common. Finding lost lover is more
dangerous than difficultBy Nancy Arcayna
narcayna@starbulletin.comGlenda Chung Hinchey was disappointed after seeking out her old flame, a tall, handsome, blond-haired, blue-eyed musician she was so in love with many years ago, even though she is married.
"Even though we lost touch with one another, I still thought about him. It was like being frozen in time."
Hinchey's husband believed she was infatuated with an image, and they decided together to visit her ghost from the past.
"When I saw him, I realized that his image was frozen in time, forever in his 20s." Now, he was skinny, balding, extremely gaunt and world-weary, lacking the magnetism he once had," she said.
"My husband held my hand as I mourned the end of a romance. The visit changed our marriage for the better. I had been taken my husband for granted."
Not every husband would be so understanding. Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at California State University and the author of "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances," cautions that not everyone should seek out an old flame.
"People who are happily married and do not want the angst of an affair or a divorce should avoid connecting with lost lovers," she said.
But the Internet has made it easier to find old friends and lost loves, if only to say hello or to attain closure.
"The old feelings can come back, surprisingly strong. I always warn people that if they value their marriages, they should not contact a lost lover -- no 'Let's do lunch,' nothing. It ruins good marriages as well as bad.
"Eighty percent of the visitors to my Web site (www.lost lovers.com) who write to me are, or have been, in extramarital affairs with lost lovers. It causes great conflict and guilt for many people. They were not looking to cheat on their spouses -- they were just unaware of the power of first love."
She said it is common for widowers to seek lost lovers.
"Many teenagers are torn apart by situational reasons," said Kalish. Reasons may have been that the parents moved away, the couple was too young to sustain a relationship, or partners were sent off to war.
"One of the most surprising findings is that these types of romances are wildly successful," said Kalish, who conducted an Internet poll of people ages 18 to 95 from all 50 states and 35 countries, receiving eight anonymous responses from Hawaii.
"The couples that do reunite are ecstatically happy and feel like they are still on their honeymoon, no matter how long they stay together."
If you do want to play private investigator, here is how:
>> Revisit the past: Search at alumni associations. Most universities archive addresses, phone numbers and even e-mail addresses.
>> Search public records: View records such as election registries, applications for pet licenses, court records or any documents that may reference an address, date of birth or Social Security number.
>> Check professional registers: If an old flame aspired to become an attorney, checking the bar association records may be helpful. The American Medical Association or even military records may lead you in the right direction.
>> Call family members. Finding an old girlfriend could be a daunting task if she has married and changed her name. But her parents or siblings may disclose her whereabouts.
>> Surf the Net: E-mail addresses are often listed in databases with member profiles. At www.lostlovers.com, message boards provide tips on finding lost loves. Classmates.com also makes it easy to find a high school sweetheart. Other Web sites to consider: www.ancestry.com or www.four11.com.
>> One in four Americans (27 percent) - equally divided among men and women - say they are carrying a torch for someone in their past; 38 percent of the torchbearers are single; 34 percent are between the ages of 18 and 34; 31 percent are between the ages of 45 and 54. BY THE NUMBERS
>> Eighty-one percent believe that a long-lost love is probably better in memory than he or she is in real life.
>> Twenty-one percent of the torchbearers have tried to locate their lost love. Of them, 73 percent succeeded. After reuniting, 41 percent say they were happy to have the person as a "friend." One in five (19 percent) were still spellbound (26 percent of men and 11 percent of women); 9 percent were disappointed in the way the lover had aged; and 4 percent found their lost love to be completely different than they remembered.
>> Of those in a relationship but still carrying a torch for a former flame, 47 percent said their current partner is "better for them."
>> More than eight in 10 Americans (85 percent) agree that "many people don't really know what true love really is anyway."
From the 2002 Harlequin Romance Report, a survey of 1,009 American men and women conducted in September 2001
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