Honolulu Lite
IT seems kind of un-American to steal a farmer's oranges. Oranges are a symbol of health and goodness. Without oranges, the United States would be subject to unthinkable horrors, like scurvy and Screwdriver cocktails made with straight vodka. Orange ya glad you
aren’t growing pot?Oranges are one of the "happy foods," those you can eat 'til the cows come up without worry of gaining a pound or having a heart attack. (After the cows come home, you can get back to eating cheeseburgers and teri-beef sandwiches.)
So to steal a farmer's oranges is more than just commodity theft, it's some kind of Vitamin C-Grade terrorism.
But that's exactly what's been happening to Big Island farmer Morton Bassan. He grows Ka'u Gold oranges and Ka'u Gold tangerines, those citrus fruits that are kind of scruffy-looking looking on the outside but are pure golden heaven on the inside.
They aren't like those generic oranges in supermarkets that are cartoon-color orange, without any splotches or marks on the skin, giving them that weird, wax-fruit kind of appearance. The skins of those oranges are so thick, they could be chucked off Diamond Head lookout and not even bruise. Inside, the fruit is usually overly tart and dry.
Not that I'm down on any kind of oranges. It's just that Ka'u Gold oranges are a true local delight, which is apparently why some idiots keep stealing them from Bassan's South Point farm.
THIEVES MADE OFF with more than 1,000 cases last year, almost driving Bassan bankrupt. The cops seem unable to solve what seems to be a simple crime. This isn't a one-shot deal, like the Great Train Robbery. Thieves have to keep returning to Bassan's farm and lug away heavy boxes.
The crime continues to happen even though the state's major orange "fences," which is to say supermarkets, apparently keep buying the filched fruit. Are you telling me major supermarket fruit buyers can't ask their suppliers whether they actually HAVE a farm or not?
As I've said before, a supermarket buying fruit without knowing where it is coming from is not only an accessory to theft, but during these times of terrorism, a potential health hazard. How do the commercial buyers know the fruit stealers aren't tampering with the oranges and tangerines?
Now there are indications that the orange thieves work at night and, according to a security guard, even carry guns with silencers. That seems like pretty heavy hardware for a fruit caper.
What kind of pathetic lowlife thief would sneak around armed at night stealing oranges instead of raiding marijuana patches like every other self-respecting Big Island rip-off artist? (Hey, man, got any Puna Butter pakalolo? No, but I got a crate of Ka'u Gold tangerines.)
As for supermarkets that can't prove their Ka'u Gold oranges are legit: Boycott that joint, my friend.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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