Sidelines
Real judges actually
prove athletic prowessWHILE lying exhausted and nearly catatonic in front of the TV, recovering from the "Engagement Encounter Weekend" -- a deeply enriching experience (the food was good) that also dealt with some very difficult issues (we couldn't watch the NFL playoffs) -- it hit me: What if sports were like the Golden Globe Awards?
What if sports winners were decided by a vote, or selection by a committee from some archaic, secretive society -- like the Oscars? The Emmys? The MTV Music ESPY Golden Grammy Screen Actors Country Awards?
It would be terrible.
That would be the antithesis of sports.
Except that we've already got it.
Figure skating.
With the Winter Olympics creeping around the corner, we have come to the time of year when we focus on an event that is half sports, half Golden Globes.
In the summer games, gymnastics hangs on judges' decisions, too, but figure skating is worse because participants are also judged by fashion sense.
I'm waiting for Joan Rivers, sideline reporter.
But even as we brace ourselves, there comes new and further worrisome news about the upcoming Winter Olympics, even more chilling than a glare from the Russian judge.
Forget winners by voting and judging. Now we'll have something even worse. Winners chosen by real judges. Winners by courts.
A speedskater and a bobsledder have filed grievances and appear headed for arbitration hearings in an attempt to make the United States Olympic team. This, after not qualifying the old-fashioned way, on the ice, at the trials.
Their odds aren't good, but they've got the lawyers anyway.
This reminds me of an old saying our football coach used to use all the time: "Good backs don't slip," he would say, "it's been proven in court."
We found this odd, but then our coach said odd things. He'd played for Notre Dame in the 1940s, been a college head coach for decades, won Grey Cups in Canada with Warren Moon and then lost 1,000 games with the Washington Federals in the USFL.
Then, at the end of his career, he took over an NAIA college team and got stuck with us.
We thought "good backs don't slip, it's been proven in court" was another one of his many colorful football sayings, like, "You've got to get through there like (shishi) through two screens!" and "This is Jones Jr. High stuff, put your college pants on now," and "Harkins? Harkins is a noncombatant."
But one day, he finally told us the story.
In pro football, they cut a man once, and this guy didn't go quietly. He actually took them to court over it to try to keep his place on the team.
"But he keeps falling down all over the place," they testified.
The gavel slammed and the judge threw it out.
Good backs don't slip.
It actually had been proven in court.
Kalani Simpson's column runs Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays.
He can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com