Honolulu Lite
WHEN I grow up I want to become a lobbyist for a large gambling company. Pro-gambling lobbyist:
The perfect jobThe cool thing about becoming a lobbyist is that you don't have to have an advanced college degree in Lobbying. I doubt if there is actually any formal training available in the entire field of Lobbyism. That's too bad, because attending a top flight Lobby College would be almost as fun as being a lobbyist itself. Imagine the different courses you'd have to take: Back Slapping 101; Advanced Techniques for Picking Up a Bar Tab; Bagman Etiquette; and Hookers: Their Use in 21st Century Negotiations.
Apparently the main skills you have to have to be a successful lobbyist are an industrial-strength liver and a lot of political connections.
Since you mainly will be giving out large amounts of cash, the political connections will take care of themselves. But I suspect the industrial-strength liver is essential. I've never lobbied professionally, but I presume it involves getting people liquored up. And the only way to get people, especially people you just met, liquored up is to liquor up with them.
There are all kinds of lobbyists: pro-gun, anti-gun, pro-oil, anti-oil, pro-hooker, anti-hooker and, of course, pro-gambling and anti-gambling.
I WANT TO be a pro-gambling lobbyist because I'm sure they make lots of money and have the most fun. Anti-gambling lobbyists don't make much money because the Anti-Gambling Industry isn't a big moneymaker. On the other hand, the Gambling Industry (also known as the "Gaming Industry" and the "Heck, We're Just Folks Who Like to Have a Good Time" Industry) is swimming in money. The Gambling Industry is rich because it is on the right side of the act of gambling, the side where people give YOU money.
As a pro-gambling lobbyist, all you do is go around to places that have no gambling and convince them to start. How cool is that? You just show up with your supercharged credit card and become everyone's buddy who has anything to do with getting a casino built or a lottery started in that jurisdiction.
Charles Toguchi, a well-known public figure and Gov. Ben Cayetano's former chief of staff, is a lobbyist for Sun International, the outfit that wants to build a casino in Hawaii. Sun International must be paying Toguchi big bucks to push gambling in Hawaii. He even took the governor to Sun's gambling resort in the Bahamas. How hard could that have been? I mean, would you rather be driving a desk 9 to 5 or wining, dining and Bahama-ing big shots?
I think I'd make a good gambling lobbyist. I love to gamble. I love to stay in nice hotels. I love casinos. I love secondhand smoke. I'm articulate and enthusiastic, especially when paid to be so. And let's not forget that liver thing. My liver's trained and ready to get in the big game. Bring on the marks!
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
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