Sidelines
HE forces of evil are winning the battle for our fair state. UH hoopsters may be warriors,
but not WarriorsI know, I can hear you yawning out there. You already know that, you say.
But no, I am not talking about local politics.
Or killer frogs.
Or electronic cops-for-profit.
Or airline monopolies.
This is something that could become far more serious.
It's nothing too big. Yet. As boss Paul Arnett likes to say, "It's a manini thing." (And you haven't really lived until you've heard somebody say "it's a manini thing" with a Texas twang.) But it is starting to really irk and disturb me.
As University of Hawaii uniforms get blacker and blacker (and use a shade of green that goes black at the slightest hint of sweat), as that repulsive "H" shows no signs of receding, now comes the worst news of all:
People, real people, are starting to refer to the UH basketball team as "the Warriors."
Of course, the UH basketball team is not "the Warriors."
And yet TV news people are saying it. Internet people are Internetting it. Out of state media are picking it up. You hear it on commercials to promote games and broadcasts. Even a few regular fans are picking it up.
And bit by bit by little bit, the name is changing before our very eyes, before some of us even notice it.
Like the way that (Tickle Me) Elmo and Telly have slowly, subtly, sneakily replaced our beloved Ernie, Bert and Big Bird on "Sesame Street."
Scurrilous and scandalous.
Because they are not "the Warriors."
Luckily for us, one man stands tall in the face of this madness: Riley Wallace.
I like the coach, and not only because a spiteful Tulsa fan once wrote on one of those silly Internet chat boards that he "has shifty eyes and wears a lot of jewelry for a white guy."
The coach resisted this wave of doom, holding on to his team's old name, the Rainbows, which is as it should be.
In fact, on the back of his guys' warm-up jackets, it is written big, bold and green: BOWS. Good.
To call them anything else would be a crime against nature, like putting butter on your rice. (Have you ever seen somebody do that? Eeeeewwwwww!)
And yet nobody listens. The black wave rolls. We're surrounded by more and more of this weird Warrior talk.
Perhaps everyone just wants to go along with the flow, like when they canceled the hit sitcom "Men Behaving Badly," starring Rob Schneider.
("No redeeming social value," they said.)
Mercenary and nefarious.
Sure, it's true, the football and men's volleyball programs apparently aren't secure enough in their manhood (Rainbowhood) to stay with school tradition, to live up to history. They want to be "tougher." Fine. Maybe those guys really are "the Warriors" now, as unnatural as that may be.
(But they weren't before. Al Noga and Jesse Sapolu are not "former Warriors." Stop it!)
These are dire times, friends.
Let's be careful. If they say "Warrior" over and over and over again often enough, it just might come true.
Kalani Simpson's column runs Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays.
He can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com