Honolulu Lite
Resolved:
No resolutions until June(This is the last installment of "Honolulu Lite's" Classic Holiday Retrospective, which is to say, Charley's vacation has run out and he has to start writing real columns again. This New Year's column ran on Jan. 3, 1996.)The beginning of a new year is a horrible time to come up with resolutions. It's just too stressful. How can you make promises about improving your life when the whiff of last year's defeats is still hanging in the air?No, the best New Year's resolutions are the ones you make in June. By June you know how the year is playing out. By June the year is real, it's not some hypothetical block of time where the grass is greener, fat pounds drop off like melting snow and running 26 miles is considered a pastime.
But if you are determined to lock yourself into some January resolutions, at least make them easy ones. Some ideas:
>> Don't resolve to LOSE 50 pounds. Resolve not to GAIN 50 pounds in the new year. Then if you gain 20 or 30 pounds by December, you've actually succeeded.
>> Don't promise to be kind to fellow human beings. Face it, there are a lot of jerks out there. Resolve not to kill anyone, at least, on purpose. That's a laudable goal.
>> Don't vow to get in shape. Aim instead to make it through the year with all of your organs intact and all of your limbs attached. Coming through an entire year with the same organs you started out with is not as easy as it sounds, especially minor organs like your gall bladder and the little organ that makes saliva. Too many people take spit for granted.
>> Don't resolve to eat only healthy food. Resolve not to eat food that is more than 75 percent fat. Pigs aren't even 75 percent fat, so you could eat a whole sow and not blow your resolution.
>> By the same token, don't promise not to eat at fast-food places. That's an impossible quest and isn't good for the economy, either. Just resolve not to "supersize" any meals.
>> Don't resolve to write the Great American Novel. Or even read the Great American Novel. Resolve not to send out pornographic e-mail on the Internet or read any that comes to you. (That seemed doable in 1996. But today, when 99 percent of e-mail is porno, forget it. If you need to have a literary-based resolution, resolve to watch at least two boring movies on the Hallmark channel this year.)
>> Don't resolve to help the homeless. Resolve instead not to run them down on the sidewalk and steal their shopping carts. That's something positive and they'll certainly appreciate your kindness. (What the hell kind of heartless resolution is that? What was I smoking in 1996? What were the editors smoking? The point is, if you have to make resolutions in January, keep 'em simple: improving hygiene, remaining ambulatory ... that kind of thing. Try to have a relatively pain-free 2002. Happy New Year!)
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