Honolulu Lite
I was going to keep this secret, but word has slipped out that shortly before he resigned as city councilman and just days before he was sentenced to federal prison for taking kickbacks, Andy Mirikitani adopted me as his son. Actually, the way it slipped out is that I announced it to everyone at the Star-Bulletin and Midweek Christmas party. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Charley Mirikitani. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Papa Mirikitani saga
now is all in the familySince he adopted me while he technically was still on the city government payroll, I'm afraid that you, the taxpayers, will be financing my medical and dental coverage for the rest of my life. Considering my current lifestyle, that could turn out to be kind of pricey. In fact, I have to have a tooth capped in a couple of weeks, so I hope the adoption paperwork is finished. Hell, I might have all my teeth capped now, a whole set of big, white, shiny chompers. I'm going to need a good rack of ivories for my upcoming political campaigns. But we'll get into that a little later.
I was reluctant to let people know that I was adopted because of the reaction everyone had when Andy married his girlfriend and co-conspirator, Sharron. I mean, poor kids. They get hitched, and at a time when life should be joyous, everyone's calling Andy a trough-feeding lowlife. I don't take kindly to people talking about my old man that way.
While on the City Council, Pops fought against pornography and obscenity wherever he found it. If a 7-Eleven was selling magazines with naked women, he was outside protesting. He tried to close down strip clubs and hostess bars. If the bars didn't have hostesses, he tried to ban smoking in them.
Dear Old Dad must have been raised on a ranch because he loved to be on high horses. I admit, before I became part of the family, I thought Poopah was sort of a party pooper. Live and let live, I said. If a grown man wants to look at a grown naked woman on private property, God bless him. If a lonely dude needs to buy perfectly legal skin magazines to get his kicks in the privacy of his own home, cool.
But now I see that Daddykins had a point. If he didn't impose moral standards for everyone else, who would?
Some people thought it was obscene, however, that he took kickbacks, refused to 'fess up when he was busted and then married his girlfriend just so she would be covered under his government retirement program.
Using public money to provide a health safety net to a future elderly woman is obscene? I thought that was Hawaii government policy. The governor's wife wants to force all of us to pay a new $120-a-year tax to help the aging needy. But knowing how hard up economically all of us are these days, the first lady is considering calling the taxlike thing a "mandatory contribution." Mandatory contribution has the same alarming aroma to it as the phrase "voluntary rectal examination." And the physical effect is not that much different.
So give Papa a little credit for restraint. He could have adopted the entire 25th Infantry.
Now that I'm a Mirikitani, I suppose I will run for office. I'm pretty sure it's mandatory. The Mirikitani name alone is worth 70,000 votes. I'm looking forward to sinking my teeth into public service. That is, as soon as I get my new teeth installed.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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