Honolulu Lite
In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, except at Maui's Little Beach where, heaven knows, everything goes. The stark truth about
naked beachesAt least everything did go, including shirts, shorts, bikini tops, bikini bottoms, inhibitions, propriety and, depending on who exactly was getting naked, the view.
State officials are going through their scheduled 10-year hot flashes and angst attacks as they once again discover that -- shock! -- people are tromping around butt naked on a beach in South Maui.
This affront to the dignity of the state takes place at Makena State Park at a beach called Little Beach, which is right next to a bigger beach called Big Beach. (Hey, where are the lyrical Hawaiian names when you need them?) Little Beach is a secret nude beach known only to the entire naked world via the Naked People Network, which keeps track of places where people can take their clothes off in public and not get arrested. Little Beach is famous among secret, unknown naked beaches, having been rated one of the Top 10 naked unknown beaches in the world by the International Association of Clothesless Sunbathers (also known as Bare Buns Without Borders).
Everyone on Maui knows that people go naked at Little Beach. But being a laid-back island, it takes about 10 years for everyone to get upset all at once about it. So now we are in the decadial (my word) state review of the appropriateness of a state-sponsored nude beach. Since nude beaches are illegal, state officials can't officially condone one; they only can allow it to exist with a wink and a nod. Or, depending on who's naked on the beach at the time, a wink, nod, some hearty applause and requests for phone numbers.
But that's the problem with naked beaches and naked everywhere elses: People who like to take their clothes off in public are usually the last people you want to see naked. Nude Rule No. 1: Ugly people get naked for free. If you want to see an attractive person naked, you've got to pay for it, or at least buy dinner.
Another fact is that the only reason men get naked on a naked beach is to see naked women. If a guy could sit fully clothed in a beach chair with a beer in his hand and gawk at naked women, he would. But then he'd be called a perverted creep. (Or so I've heard.) But if he takes his clothes off, he can gawk all he wants. Unfortunately, that's when Rule No. 1 kicks in.
And please don't send me a bunch of angry mail. I'm sure that women feel the same way about ugly naked men, which is what most men are naked.
It's ironic that this debate is going on right now. Is there any difference between the state requiring women to wear teeny tops and a G-string and the Taliban requiring women to wear those head-to-toe burkas? Never mind. Dumb question.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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