Honolulu Lite


Wednesday, October 31, 2001

Miss Cleo call is
a bad connection

MISS Cleo dreams about Dave Donnelly. Really. She even sent him a personal letter telling him that she'd been dreaming about him. I'm so jealous. If some famous psychic is going to be dreaming about a columnist, it should be about a columnist who is always making fun of psychics. Like me, for instance.

But no, Miss Cleo dreams about Dave Donnelly.

If you aren't familiar with psychics or don't own a television you probably never heard of Miss Cleo. If you own a television, you have to know about Miss Cleo because her commercials run about 10 times an hour. She's a Caribbean tarot card reader. At least she sounds Caribbean. She may actually be from Brooklyn. There used to be tons of psychics on television, but they've all disappeared. I think Miss Cleo put a Voodoo hex on them, because Miss Cleo is the only one still in the psychic-for-bucks game anymore.

And she doesn't only rely on television. She sends out emails and letters to people she dreams about. I don't know how this works. There are 280 million people in the country. How Miss Cleo dreams about certain people and then gets their address, is mysterious.

But Dave got a letter and email from her. He gave them to me because he's not into psychics. Or maybe he just wanted me to do his dirty work for him.

The letter said that Miss Cleo had turned over some cards for Dave and they revealed a "Golden Window." That meant that something great would happen to Dave in the next nine days. She also said she had a dream about him that could affect the rest of his life. But he had to call Miss Cleo for details.

So I called Miss Cleo for Dave to see just how sweet his life was going to be. Unfortunately, the free 1-800 number was only a recording of Miss Cleo. But it said she had "urgent news" for Dave. So I called the toll number, which promised the first three minutes would be free. Every minute after that would be $4.99. Since I was calling on the Star-Bulletin line, I figured I'd better stay under the three-minute limit.

A lady answered who asked a bunch of questions about my name, age and where I lived. This was weird because Miss Cleo obviously had to know Dave to dream about him and send letters to his home. I told the lady I was Dave Donnelly and to speed it up. I had less than three minutes to hear about the Golden Window.

Instead, she asked if I had a drinking problem. I said, "Of course Dave, I mean, I don't have a drinking problem. He, I mean, I gave up drinking years ago." Then she said, well, maybe Dave's girlfriend has a drinking problem. I said I didn't think Dave, I mean, I even had a girlfriend.

I hung up when the three-minute bell rang. No Miss Cleo. No Golden Window. No urgent news. Just some insults about drinking. I didn't feel so jealous of Dave anymore.

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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