Honolulu Lite
The good news is that residents of Honolulu don't drink as much alcohol as the boozers in San Jose, Calif., and Anchorage, Alaska. The bad news is we drink as much as they do in Passaic, N. J.. Honolulu gets worst of
best and worst listsBad, because while Honolulu has lots of cultural and recreational diversions, Passaic's a tiny city whose claims to fame are (according to Passaic's Internet Web site) a city hall that looks like a concrete missile bunker and that rubbish is picked up twice a week.
I learned about our drinking problem and how Honolulu stacks up against other cities in categories such as "Most Dangerous Cities" in a newly released book called "The Definitive Guide to the Best and Worst of Everything." I mean, newly released to the bargain book bin of a local bookstore. It actually was published a few years ago. But what it lacks in up-to-date statistics is certainly made up for by its $2.99 price tag.
Being easily agitated, I'm always keen to see how Honolulu is mistreated in these types of book. This one did not let me down. Honolulu did not even make the list of places in the world with the "most pleasant year-round weather." We were equally slighted not long ago by the Farmers Almanac that suggested that places like Las Vegas and Phoenix had better weather than Honolulu, which I suppose they do if you are a cactus.
This book goes even further. Honolulu is not even mentioned. But it says Casablanca and Mexico City have great weather.
Are they insane? I've been to Casablanca. Trust me, anywhere that is so freaking hot that you have to wear window draperies as clothes is not pleasant. And there is so much air pollution in Mexico City that no one there has even seen weather since 1966.
Honolulu did better in other categories. The Honolulu to Kahului, Maui, airline route was the eighth busiest in the country with more than 2 million people a year making that trip. That figure might be just a tad out of date. Since the recent terrorist attacks, about two DOZEN people have flown that route.
We were listed No. 1 in the "Highest Home Costs" category, which always is a strong event for us. We were also listed as having the lowest property tax rates in the country, which should drive our lawmakers to wonder "How did we ever let that happen!?"
While our property taxes might not be considered high, the book doesn't point out that we also enjoy sales taxes, income taxes, ice cube taxes, bellybutton taxes and sunrise appreciation taxes.
Honolulu thankfully was not listed among cities with the highest murder rates, greatest snowfall and fewest indicted public officials. (The last one could have been NEWEST indicted public figures, for which I'm pretty sure we're in the running.)
The reason Honolulu always does so badly in these kind of books and studies is that we let other people write them. We need to conduct our own research with categories in which we excel. I'm sure Honolulu would be tops in the category of "Cities Where Women Wear the Most Gold Bracelets On One Arm." And we'd certainly win in "Cities With the Dumbest Sports Stadium Security Restrictions." And just to make sure people know the difference between having a cocktail in Passaic and having one in Honolulu, we'd have a category called "Cities Where You're Are Most Likely to Find Fruit and Paper Umbrellas in Your Drinks." We might even beat Las Vegas on that one.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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