Honolulu Lite
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer and a bamboo sandwich. The bartender thinks it's a little odd but takes his order. After the panda is done eating, he pulls out a .357 magnum, blows away the bartender and calmly walks out of the joint. Police arrest the bear shortly after the incident. Shoots, brah,
that’s what a panda
loves to eat'Why'd you shoot the bartender?" a detective asks.
The panda says: "Duh? Look at me. I'm a panda."
Get it? Actually, neither did I the first time I heard it. It's a literary joke. To understand it, you have to look up "panda" in the dictionary. It says: "A large black and white member of the bear family native to China. A vegetarian, the giant panda normally just eats shoots and leaves."
Eats, shoots and leaves. OK. It's a dumb joke. But I've had pandas on my mind lately. Mainly because I have a hillside behind my house that's been taken over by bamboo.
Once you get bamboo in your yard, you can't get rid of it. It's like a weed, a weed that spreads like the plague and leaves the ground covered with long, sharp, lethal spears. Pandas live on nothing but bamboo. I need a panda and I need one bad.
But did you know you can't get a panda for your yard? It's true. Officials claim you can't own a panda because they are an endangered species. But I think it's just because pandas are snooty.
They get nothing but good press. I was reading one account that said, "Since its introduction to the western world in 1869 ... the panda has become the most revered animal in the world." You can't buy that kind of coverage. But come on. The most revered animal in the world? What about hedgehogs? What about the ring-tailed skink? What about that weird looking Australian lizard that can run standing up on its hind feet?
I think pandas are precious because China has controlled the world supply of them. China is to pandas what DeBeers is to diamonds: greedy. Every once in a while, China lets a couple of pandas onto the world market. They always have names like Mei Mei, Ding Ding or Bong Bong. You'll never see a panda named Maurice. It's a standing rule, a panda's gotta have two identical names. In my research, I came across pandas named - I swear - Shi Shi and Du Du, which I think is in rather poor taste. The San Diego Zoo has a couple of pandas. You can see them on the zoo's Web site via live video feed. (Watching a panda on live video is as exciting as watching a koala bear race.)
Why doesn't Hawaii have pandas? We've got plenty of bamboo, mostly at my house. Pandas eat between 12 and 16 hours a day, sort of like John Candy before he died. They have to eat so much because bamboo isn't very nutritious. Pandas probably wouldn't be on the endangered species list if someone would just teach them to like the taste of cheeseburgers.
Hawaii would have no problem naming its pandas: Likelike, Lau Lau, Kau Kau, Huli Huli, Muu Muu, Lomi Lomi ... all great panda names.
The folks at the Honolulu Zoo tell me they are hoping to get a couple of pandas someday. That would be a great. Maybe they will rent them out for yard work.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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