Honolulu Lite
There are so many studies telling us what's good for us and what's bad for us, it's enough to drive us to drink. But drink what? Wine studies
cause hangoverEntire industries have sprung up simply to research whether wine, beer and coffee either are killing us or helping us live long, healthy lives. That's because millions of people around the world consume oceans of wine, beer and coffee. If you are going to research something, you might as well research something many, many people are interested in: The effect of the stuff they ingest on their bodies.
In certain parts of the country people eat small pinches of dirt. Not just any dirt, but dirt from specific locations. They have been eating dirt for generations. Some scientists theorize that the reason these people eat dirt is that they are missing certain minerals in their diets. And they have somehow found a way -- presumably through decades of trial and error, nibbling at various parts of the countryside -- to provide their body with needed minerals by eating dirt.
There's no scientific proof of that, because not enough people eat dirt to make it financially feasible to conduct a long-range study of dirt, its benefits and dangers as a natural dietary supplement.
But tons of people quaff beer, wine and coffee and so researchers make millions of dollars studying the effects. The studies that invariably trumpet the laudable aspects of swilling these beverages are invariably paid for by the beverage manufacturers. The studies that say consumption of these beverages cause cancer, scurvy and boils invariably are paid for by pious little party-poopers.
The result is general confusion of the masses who end up drowning their befuddlement with wine and beer, then swigging coffee the next day to recover.
As if studies with conflicting results aren't bad enough, we also have to put up with the various news media -- made up of people who went into journalism because they couldn't hack science class -- analyzing identical reports and getting different results.
For instance, we recently ran an Associated Press story in this paper headlined "Danish study takes some shine off wine." Some other local paper, whose name slips my mind, ran the same story with the headline, "Wine drinkers show signs of good health."
As much as I was rooting for the pro-wine take, it turns out our paper was correct: Wine drinkers are healthier, but not necessarily because of the wine. They simply tend to be richer and smarter than people who don't drink wine.
The implication being that dumber, poorer people consume things that are bad for them, such as cheap vodka, 29-cent cheeseburgers and, I suppose, dirt from the wrong part of the tracks.
This seems awfully harsh. I think we should all wait for another study to surface. A day or two should do it.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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