Editor’s Scratchpad

Tuesday, July 31, 2001

I am, therefore I think
... who’s on first?

In a wee town in Alaska, in the cold month of March, in the year arbitrarily known as 1953, I was born. That's a fact. The proof is that I'm right here, right now. All the educators in the world won't talk me out of that fact.

As to everything that might have happened before I was born, I don't know. Some people seem "older," others seem "younger." But I have no absolute proof that anything in the universe existed the day before I was born. As far as I'm concerned, everyone's making things up to explain what happened pre-me.

I have my own theory, based on scientific observation: The universe sprang into existence the moment I was born. It's the Unified All-Me Theory of Creation, Cosmic Harmony and Cognitive Dissonance.

I want this theory taught in Hawaii's schools. It's perfectly valid, and ranks right up there with any other theory. Our kids should have their minds forcefully broadened, even if it's at the expense of logic and common sense.

Thanks to a proposal now before the Board of Education, the All-Me Theory can be taught without the fear of being labeled a crackpot idea.

--Burl Burlingame

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