Honolulu Lite
I used to look forward to getting the new phone books because the page headings inadvertently paired words to create zany combinations like Dry-Editorial, Party-Pastors and Funeral-Furniture. Hay-Hay! the
phone books are out!But then there were a few years where the magical combinations just didn't appear. So getting the phone book, not to mention life in general, wasn't fun anymore.
A reader, who apparently is as easily amused as I am, called excitedly to tell me to immediately check out the new Verizon books.
She was right. The mystic forces of arbitrary type-setting have created many whimsical combinations this year, mostly in the White Pages. And unlike other fun things, kids, you CAN try this at home.
All you do is flip open the White Pages. Each page is headed by the first three letters of the first name on the page followed by the first three letters of the last. (For instance, on the page headed Has-Hat, the first name is Hashimoto and the last name is Hatcher.)
With the thousands of names, who would have thought you'd have the culinary coincidence of a page headed Kau-Kau followed by page headed Lau-Lau? For pure alliteration, you'll find Cha-Cha, Chi-Chi and Cho-cho. Of course, coming down the tracks next is the Chu-Chu.
There is Arm-Art, which is just another way of saying tattoo. There's Bam-Ban, which is what the folks living next to the bombing range at Makua Valley are hoping for.
There's Ash-Ass, which, I suppose, is what's left when you set a donkey on fire. There's even a Boy-Bra, if you are into that kind of thing.
And while most people might like a Fun-Fur, they probably wouldn't enjoy a Fur-Fut.
Some of the headings are a little naughty. But it's not the kind of tasteless Fut-Gab you might hear around the coffee machine. (Of course, around the coffee machine, you might find a Gab-Gal).
There's a page headed Bun-Bur, which sounds kind of painful. There are seven pages of Shi-Shi, which is not an editorial comment about the names of the people listed there.
There's lots of fun to be found, like four pages of Har-Har (Har-Har! Har-Har! Har-Har! Har-Har!) But the 11 pages of Haw-Haw is a regular laugh riot. (Haw-Haw! Haw-Haw! Haw-Haw! Haw-Haw! Haw-Haw! etc.).
There's a page headed Hit-Ho, which you don't want to do to Don or his daughter Hoku.
Sadly, you will also find out about the untimely passing of Pat (Pat-Pau). But Page 951 is definitely a Win-Win situation.
For Christmas you might want to Nix-Nog; if you run a rowdy night club, you'll want to keep a Bar-Bat handy; and during football season, remember to Bet-Big. One page even offers a built-in Hawaiian-English pronunciation guide: Eva-Ewa.
I haven't had time to dig into the Yellow Pages yet, but just a quick glance hinted at a world of Needlework-Noodles, Glass-Gloves and Macadamia-Magnets. Life is good again.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite