Honolulu Lite
When is the government going to learn that Hawaii residents are thrill-seekers when it comes to food? We like our eggs runny, our hot food cold, our cold food warm, our musubi 3 days old at room temperature and our takeout Zippy's chili to sit in the back of the refrigerator until it's got a little head of green, fuzzy hair. Warning: Eating
ANYTHING in Hawaii
is dangerousThat macaroni salad isn't ready for consumption until it's sat in the hot sun on a picnic table for a couple of hours. Double- and triple-dip huli-huli chicken in the same sauce? Chance 'em, brah. Go for it!
Salmonella is just another condiment, like that open bottle of shoyu that hasn't seen the inside of a refrigerator in three years. That shoyu isn't old, it's aged, like fine wine.
Let's not even talk about rice. A rice pot can sit on a counter for days, and the rice will set up its own force field against bacteria. At least it will if it's local rice, rice that can hold together in a solid lump to fight off the enemy spirochetes and invading spores. With Uncle Ben's rice, each grain is separate, independent and vulnerable to viral attack.
We like our fish raw, our hamburger blood rare and our pork cooked in the dirt with hot rocks. Sure, undercooked hamburger and runny eggs are dangerous. We don't need the federal government to tell us that. We thrive on extreme cuisine in the islands. We'll take that week-old rice, top it with that undercooked hamburger and runny egg and smother the whole mess with gravy of unknown origin and call it loco moco. It's not dangerous, it's BREAKFAST. Because we are living la vida loco moco, my friend.
You catch a fish off the reef that might have some toxin that will never leave your body for the rest of your life? Toss that buggah on the hibachi. What's a little nerve or liver damage when it comes to ono pupus?
The federal weenies can take their warnings about eating runny eggs and hang 'em up with ducks in Chinatown. A state law requiring Spam musubi to be refrigerated? Are you mad? Spam has an unrefrigerated half-life longer than plutonium. Spam is EMBALMED with salt. If they had buried an open can of Spam with King Tut, it would still be edible today (not to mention, tasty).
In Japan they are selling something called "Godzilla Meat." It's actually canned corned beef, which is more dangerous than actual giant angry dinosaur meat any day. In Hawaii we eat canned corned beef from Ecuador, man. God knows what's actually in that stuff because they don't even raise cows in that country. It must be King Kong Meat or something.
But it's all good. Eating dried plum pits that have sat in giant jars at Ala Moana Center for decades is a test of will that no other state in the country would attempt. Raw squid that has been dried and shredded up into nasty, gnarly-looking yellow strings are chewed like gum. Wait for fruit to ripen? No way, pal. Pick those mangoes green and soak 'em a year in vinegar. Ono Sonny Bono, brah.
Still looking for action? Risk being beaten to death by waves to pry thorny little opihi from lava rocks so you can suck 'em up with beer.
Spare us your health warnings. Pass the pickled pigs feet, the balut and fish roe the size of marbles. We celebrate the most dangerous food in the world. This is Hawaii.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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