Honolulu Lite


Monday, June 4, 2001

Sex in the city not
the same as in Utah

THIS column is rated PG for Parental Guidance, which means any youngsters reading it should take a few minutes to explain the complicated parts to your parents.

And the subject of sex is complicated, riddled with contradictions, as recent news accounts bear out.

Tom Green and Hugh Hefner both live with several women. They are not legally married to any of them. But Green lives in Utah and calls his girlfriends "wives," so he's a polygamist. Hefner calls his girlfriends "girlfriends," so he's considered a stud. Because of semantics, Green is a criminal and Hef is a playboy.

Why did Green insist on calling his girlfriends "wives"? He's a Mormon and claims that it's cool with God if men have more than one wife. It seems like it would be a matter between Green and God. Not Green and the television shows "Dateline," and "Oprah," where he chose to brag about his collection of women. What a chump.

Hefner went on television, too. But in his silk jammies, sitting on a bed surrounded by his female buddies. Hef's TV appearance was entertainment, Green's was grounds for an indictment.

There are some major differences between the Hefner and Green cases. For instance, the women who snuggle up to Hefner are babes. The women Green "married" -- and there have been at least 10 of them --would not be considered babes, even in the least populated parts of Utah.

I'll be criticized for making such a sexist statement, but I'm willing to put the matter to a vote. Men: Would you risk prison for Hef's female associates or Green's? Women: Raise your hands if you think men are jerks.

As an anarchist/libertarian/ ecumenical/biped, I don't care who marries what. Marriage is a religious/cultural affair that government should stay out of. A guy can marry a chair if he wants, as long as the chair is of the age of consent, the guy doesn't have a history of chair abuse and I don't have to pay for it.

That's one reason why, though I am a proponent of marriage, I support Hefner's lifestyle over Green's. Hefner pays his own way while Green fathered 29 children and made the taxpayers pay to raise about half of them. I say, don't have the thrills if you can't pay the bills.

A funny thing happens when you throw money into the Green/Hefner equation. It's one of those oddities of sex that you can give it away but you can't sell it. So if Hefner paid to have sex with his lady friends, it'd be a crime. But isn't letting them live rent free in the Playboy Mansion, giving them furs and baubles, the same as paying for sex?

I wasn't a babe magnet when I was single, but I'd bet that if I had a mansion and personal jet, I could have scared up a few "dates."

In a way, Utah taxpayers were footing the bills for Green's sexual exploits. Does that make them guilty of promoting prostitution?

See? It's all so complicated. Any youngsters out there, feel free to explain it to me.

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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