Many parents find that
having only 1 child is
just right
Study shows the only child
well-adjusted as any otherBy Christine Donnelly
Star-Bulletin
"We've always felt very complete as a family of three," Gieseler, a Realtor and co-owner of RE/MAX Honolulu, said of her family, which includes husband Bruce Wileman, a sales associate with the insurance company Cavanah Associates Inc., and daughter Dana Wileman, 17, a student at La Pietra-Hawaii School for Girls.
Across Hawaii and the rest of the United States, aging baby boomers and falling fertility rates have combined to make "families living with their own children under age 18" a shrinking segment of the overall population, according to the 2000 Census. And the trend toward smaller families is likely to continue for years, said Amara Bachu, co-author of the U.S. Census Bureau's report "Fertility of American Women: June 1998."
That report, the most detailed to date on family size, found the average number of children ever born to American women ages 40 to 44 dropped from 3.1 to in 1976 to 1.9 in 1998. That age group is considered the best indicator because the women are near the end of childbearing.
Although women with two children still account for the largest percentage of mothers (35.8 percent in 1998), the biggest increase was in the percentage of women with one child or no children. In 1998, 17.3 percent of American women ages 40 to 44 had one child, up from 9.6 percent in 1976. The percentage who had no children also nearly doubled, from 10 percent in 1976 to 19 percent in 1998.
Conversely, the percentage of women with four or more children or more has plunged, from 36 percent in 1976 to just under 10 percent in 1998.
The national trends held true in Hawaii, Bachu said, although the state-by-state results were not published.
Although neither the U.S. Census Bureau nor any state agency keeps precise figures on the number of one-child families in Hawaii, there are several indicators.
Hawaii's average family size has shrunk from 4.29 persons per family in 1960 to 3.42 in 2000, according to the latest U.S. Census figures. Even more telling is the state's birth rate, since the "family size" data includes any relatives living together.
Hawaii's birth rate fell from 18.5 births per 1,000 total population in 1990 to 14.4 births per 1,000 total population in 2000, according to the state Health Department. The U.S. birth rate fell from 16.7 to 14.5 during the same period.Women are having fewer children because their "expectations are different now" than a few generations ago, said Bachu.
Better career and educational opportunities lead women to delay marriage and childbearing. High divorce rates are a factor. And the cost of living figures in, too, especially in expensive states such as Hawaii, she said.
Sometimes the decision is a passive one, as women who have devoted their 20s and early 30s to college and career find their fertility waning just when they are ready to have kids. Other couples make a conscious choice, finding "they're perfectly happy with one child," she said.
Whatever the reasons, the increase has brought with it an explosion in all sorts of resources devoted to the special joys and challenges of raising one child, from parenting manuals, to picture books for toddlers to Internet Web sites discussing in minute detail the pros and cons of various-sized families.
There was not so much information available when Carolyn and Charles White of Los Angeles had their only daughter, Alexis, 21 years ago. The couple tried to have a second child but after Carolyn suffered several miscarriages they decided to focus on the happy, healthy child they had and to be grateful for life as a trio. But others were not so willing to accept their decision, Carolyn White recalls.
"People thought it was weird, wrong and were not the least shy about saying so," she said. "People presumed things about (Alexis) that were simply not true, that she was lonely, spoiled, or self-centered. It was not only irritating but very painful."
After tracking down reams of information on their own, including consistent empirical evidence that only-children grow up to be as normal as kids with siblings, the Whites five years ago started a Web site, onlychild.com, that now gets 20,000 hits a month from all over the world. The enterprise has introduced the Whites to more only-children than they ever imagined existed.
"And let me tell you they grow up to be fabulous human beings, including Alexis. I don't know what I was worried about," Carolyn White said with a laugh.
As an only child herself, Norine Oshiro of Palolo has no doubt they can grow up just fine. But as a mother, she's glad she has two kids.
Oshiro, 42, remembers being lonely as a child, especially since both parents worked long hours and she spent many afternoons with her elderly grandfather.
"Growing up you see other people with brothers and sisters and you wonder what you are missing out on. At least I did," said Oshiro, who with her husband, Ernest, has a son, Coel, 7, and daughter, Rie, 3. "I'm happy they have each other."
Gieseler cannot recall her daughter ever asking for siblings growing up. And, unlike the Whites, she and her husband faced no criticism for stopping at one, nor did they agonize over the decision.
That's probably because their daughter was born with a heart condition that required multiple surgeries. "It was pretty obvious to everyone around us that we had our hands full. Our worries were more immediate, not 'does she need a sibling?' " recalls Gieseler, who was 35 when Dana was born.
By the time Dana's heart problem was cured, Gieseler was pushing 40 and the family was happy as a cozy threesome. Gieseler and Wileman made sure their daughter got to be around a lot of other kids, including cousins, while also making family time a priority.
"We're very close-knit, very comfortable, very happy," said Gieseler, now 52. "I really have no regrets."
By Christine Donnelly
Star-Bulletin
"The stereotype of only-children is that they are selfish, lonely and maladjusted. None of those prove true through research," said Toni Falbo, a professor of educational psychology and sociology at the University of Texas-Austin and author of "The Single Child Family."
Falbo has researched the topic since the 1970s, studying both children and adults. She co-authored a meta-analysis of 157 studies in which only-children were compared with those raised with siblings. That study found that only-children compared equally or favorably in all areas examined. Only-children had a slight advantage when it came to intelligence, educational and occupational attainment, achievement, motivation, self-esteem, leadership and relationships with their parents. And they were comparable to kids with siblings when it came to academic performance, peer popularity, extroversion, autonomy, maturity, anxiety, mental illness and behavior problems.
The American Academy of Pediatrics, noting the trend toward smaller families, says some of the advantages -- such as a stronger parent-child bond -- can become disadvantages if the parent overprotects or overindulges the child, or pushes him or her to overachieve.
Parents of only-children should make sure they set realistic expectations at every age (first-time parents commonly expect too much), ensure that the child spends lots of time with other kids, maintain a separate adult social life and develop strong bonds with friends or extended family members.
Experts add that it's important to dispel the myths surrounding only-children because negative stereotypes can affect behavior. "Each kid is unique," said Falbo. "The thing is to not worry too much about (family size.)"