Honolulu Lite
I have a little insight into the proposal to move the Honolulu Zoo out of Waikiki, considering I'm probably the only person in Hawaii who has actually spent a day in a cage at the zoo. Lions ’n’ tigers ’n’
bears need elbow roomI was going to spend the night in the cage, too, but the staff told me about all the huge cockroaches that come out in the cage when the sun goes down. I'm not a big wussy but I do suffer from some symptoms of wussy-dom, especially when it comes to spending the night in a cage full of B-52 Bombers.
So I spent the night in a tent inside the zoo, which, by the way, is a noisy damn place when the lights go out. The zoo, that is, not the tent. All manner of shrieking, cawing, growling and grunting go on, to the point where you want to shout "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!" except that most of those creatures you'd be yelling at could eat you in a couple of gulps. And how do you know that the lions and warthogs stay in their enclosures at night? Maybe they wander around eating idiots out of tents at night and sneak back into their dens before the morning help arrives?
As it turns out, I could have spent the night in the cage because the zoo staff was just joshing about the big roaches, playing their little game of "Freak Out the Columnist." Har, har, har. Frankly, spending seven hours in a bear cage, even one equipped with a tire on a rope, comfy chair and television (two of the three I brought from home) was enough.
At this time I can't even remember what possessed me to want to spend 24 hours as a zoo exhibit, although I suspect I was a tad low on column ideas. Why the zoo people went along with it, you'd have to ask them. The sign they hung on my cage said, among other things: "Homo Sapiens Giganticus. Description: Has human-like characteristics but is actually a journalist." Har, har, har. You'd never know that people who spend the day shoveling large amounts of exotic excrement could be such comedians.
Which brings us finally to the point of this column, which is whether the zoo should be moved to the Ewa plains at Barbers Point. City Councilman John DeSoto has floated the idea, not only because the Waianae Coast is his district and a world-class zoo would bring a lot of money to his constituents. Not only. But probably a little. His main point is that the current zoo is too small and has no room for expansion.
As a former zoo inmate I can attest to that. While the zoo has done a great job of creating distinct habitats for the different animals, there's still not enough elbow room, not to mention, claw, paw and prehensile tail room. Sure, the zoo is handy for tourists, but most of them don't come to Hawaii to see a giraffe. At the San Diego Zoo, giraffes and zebras can roam the expansive savanna without ever having to say, "Excuse me, coming through."
If we are going to have a zoo, it should be big enough so the animals are not forced to live cheek to beak. The creatures will be happier at Barber's Point, and Waikiki residents might enjoy a little nocturnal peace and quiet.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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