Honolulu Lite


Wednesday, May 23, 2001

How to thrive
(and survive)
a hurricane

It's officially hurricane season, that period from now until November when we see what parts of the world God likes and which ones he hates.

I don't believe God actually hates certain areas, but a lot of people do. When Hurricane Iniki smashed into Kauai years ago, many Oahu residents said, 'God spared us," as if God somehow had it in for the good people of Kauai.

Anyway, there are certain things you can do to prepare for hurricane season in Hawaii, the most practical of which is to move Las Vegas. If you insist on staying, here are some tips from Honolulu Lite's Annual Hurricane Survival Guide:

>> Check to see if you have a supply of fresh batteries. The key word here is fresh. The batteries you've had in your portable CD player, hand-held Poker machine and remote-control race car for the past year are not fresh. Put brand-new batteries in those and other small appliances because, once your house is blown away, you're going to need some entertainment.

>> Check to see if you have any loose boards, plywood, broken lawn furniture or other dangerous materials sitting in your yard. These can become missiles in high winds. Quietly drop these items over the fence into your neighbor's yard.

>> Secure large picture windows with masking tape. This won't keep them from breaking but will amuse your neighbors.

>> Have a well-maintained, gas-powered generator handy to keep essential appliances running, such as the refrigerator in the garage that holds the beer.

>> Have a well-maintained high-powered rifle handy to keep jealous neighbors at bay when they spy you having a cold, frosty brew during the storm.

>> Attach cats, dogs and other outdoor pets to lanai railings with surfboard leashes. (Goggles optional).

>> Obtain a week's supply of pet tranquilizers from the vet. You'll need them. Your animals won't. But you will.

>> Fill your kitchen cabinets and cupboards with cans of Spam. First of all, it is a federal law that you have Spam on hand during a natural disaster and secondly, the sheer weight of the Spam stash might keep the house pinned down during high winds.

>> Have plenty of extra cash on hand because, after the storm, bribery will be the most efficient way to do business.

After the storm:

>> Count heads to make sure everyone is safe. Once the heads are counted, make sure there are corresponding bodies to go with them. If you find any extra heads and/or bodies, check with your neighbors to see if they are missing anyone and/or body parts.

>> Check the condition of your house. If an empty lot occupies the spot where your house used to be, then the condition of your house is "Gone."

>> If your house is there but you aren't sure whether it's structurally sound, let your neighbor go in first.

>> If everyone is safe and the house is OK, stow the firearms, crank up the CD player and hand out the beer because it's Party Time!

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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