Honolulu Lite
IT seemed to me that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane." Warning:
This column contains
writer’s ruminationsThat could be the epitaph for author Doug Adams, who authorities say died of a massive heart attack last week at the age of 49. I prefer to think that Adams, one of my favorite writers of all time, simply has joined one of his ever-resilient characters, Arthur Dent, hitchhiking through the cosmos, attempting to save Earth from destruction to make room for an intergalactic freeway.
Adams' four-book "trilogy," which began with "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" and ended with "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish" is a quirky collection of insights about life, disguised as a hilarious tale spread across the fabric of space and time.
The opening quotation actually comes from one of Adams' characters, Wonko the Sane, who withdrew from society after finding the instructions on a box of toothpicks. ("Hold stick near center of its length. Moisten pointed end in mouth. Insert in tooth space, blunt in next to gum. Use gentle in-and-out motion.")
Adams wrote that book nearly 20 years ago. He could not have known how much more crazy the world would get. Today, there would be a warning on the toothpick box advising you not to stick yourself in the eye.
Because of Adams, I became a reader of fine print. We have become so used to warnings on everything, from Q-tips ("Entering the ear canal could cause injury") to computer printer ink cartridges ("Do not drink"). We know, or course, that the detailed instructions and dire warnings are simply a ploy by manufacturers to avoid being sued. The lawyers demand that such obvious dangers be stated in print because there are a few brain-dead people who will drink printer ink and jam a cotton swab into their brains through the ear canal.
few of us even notice the warnings anymore. We know that only an idiot would strike a match without closing the cover. But we also know that there are a few people who have to be told to "Strike on back," even though the strike pad is only on the back of the match package. Do people really have to be warned that Zippo lighters "contain flammable gas under pressure"?
My shaving cream container warns users "not to spray toward open flame," a scenario that rarely comes up in a bathroom.
A warning on a box of staples states "Handle with care. Staples have sharp points for penetration." Don't people know that? The main job of staples is to penetrate things for which sharp points are mandatory.
Johnson's Baby Powder warns it is "for external use only," to keep, I suppose, people from using it as coffee creamer. And even Band-Aid bandages need a warning: "Package contains latex, which could cause allegoric reaction."
I thought of Doug Adams while on my exercise bike, where there is a warning label that says in part, "Replace label if illegible or removed." Wonko the Sane might wonder how you can possibly replace something that is illegible or not even there at all.
The more I read the small print of life, the more I'm convinced that Doug Adams flagged down a passing Vogon starship and headed for the restaurant at the end of the universe. So long, Doug, and thanks for all the books.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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