Honolulu Lite
ONE OF the great things about the awesome power of the Internet is how this incredible technology is being used for the silliest purposes. Web site adds pizazz
to whatevew you’we
weadingMy Internet Web site consultant, known only as Gary, regularly alerts me to some of the weirdest wastes of electrons on the Net. He came up with a great one last week, a site that basically translates all other Web sites, or any text, actually, into dialects such as "Redneck," "Elmer Fudd," "Jive," "Moron" and "Hacker."
Why? Is this what all the billions of dollars of research to build the Internet was for? The technology on this one Web site, called the Dialectizer (www.rinkworks.com/dialect), is more advanced then the technology used to send men to the moon. But instead of conquering space, the Dialectizer simply turns published words into parody. And I sadly admit that I love it.
Here's what happens to the first few lines of the Gettysburg Address when its run through the Dialectizer and converted to "Redneck":
"Four sco'e an' seven years ago, cuss it all t' tarnation, our Pappys brought fo'th on this hyar continent a noo country, cornceived in liberty, as any fool can plainly see, an' dedicated t'th' proposishun thet all min were created equal, ah reckon."
Here's the same passage Dialectized into "Hacker":
"four score and sev3n eyars ago, our fathers brought froth on tHis cotn1n3nt a new coyuntry, con1eved in libertuy 4nd dedic8d to the porpositio|\| that al lmen ware rce8d euqal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111~ YOU SUCK"
I'M THINKING of running all of my columns through it before they are published just to add one more level of zaniness. I started off a column last week like this:
"Why don't you write a column on crack seed?" a friend visiting from the mainland asked.
After the Dialectizer minced it into "Redneck," it read: "Whuffo' doesn't yo' write a column on crack seed?" a frin visitin' fum th' mainlan' axed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
Sort of jazzes it up a bit, yeah? Or I could convert the entire column to how it would sound if Elmer Fudd were reading it out loud, like: "I awweady have, I said. I've wwitten aww about cwack seed, how it is sawty, souw, shwivewed up wittwe pieces of fwuit pit ..."
But I don't really need to do that. The whole point of the Web site is to give YOU the power to screw around with other people's writing. Say you're on the Internet wading through some boring treatise on the mating habits of mollusks. With a few key taps, you translate the entire thing into "Jive." (Hey badlookin', check out that fine crib you haulin' on yo back!)
Dave Donnelly's a clever writer and fun to read. But when you translate him into "Redneck," you get a little added depth. Here's a sample from one of his recent columns:
"PERHAPS th' bess known gourmet grub an' likker society in Hawaii is th' Chaine des Rotisseurs. But thar's t'other group thet may be even mo'e gastronomically seleck. It's called Les Amis D'Escoffier, named fo' French chef Augeste Escoffier, the dawgoned-est renowned chef in France, even af'er his death in 1935."
See? After decades of writing, Donnelly NEVER would have thought of using the phrase "grub an' likker." As Elmer would say, God bwess technowogy.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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