"Why don't you write a column on crack seed?" a friend visiting from the mainland asked.
Cheech & Chong
meet crack seed
I already have, I said. I've written all about crack seed, how it is salty, sour, shriveled up little pieces of fruit pit that I find disgusting.
No, he said. Write about CRACK seed, like seed for growing crack cocaine. Get it?
I did. I was embarrassed that I hadn't thought of it myself. But when you live in one place so long, you lose that outsider's perspective on things. The more I thought about crack seed from a mainlanders view, the funnier it got. I pictured an old Cheech and Chong routine. You know, like Cheech is just returning to Los Angeles after a vacation in Hawaii. Chong meets him in a beat up hippie van. Cheech jumps in frantic and says, "Floor it, man!"
Chong: You must have scored some good stuff, man! Were the cops on your tail?
Cheech: Check it out, man. (He opens a carry-on bag stuffed with all manner of crack seed.)
Chong: That doesn't look like weed, man. I thought you went to Hawaii to score some righteous buds.
Cheech: This is better, man. This is crack seed.
Chong: Crack seed?
Cheech: Yeah, man. Hawaii's a hip place. They just sell this stuff in the stores. I couldn't believe it. Little kids buying it right out in the open.
Chong: So, we're gonna grow our own crack, man? We'll be rich. What kind of crack are we gonna grow?
Cheech: All kinds, man. Look here, I got Li Hing Mui, Cherry Seed, Sweet Sour Whole Seed and, check this out, Brown Ginger.
Chong: Brown Ginger. What's that?
Cheech: It's code, man. You know, like the pakalolo? They got Maui Wowie, Kona Gold, Kaneohe Krud ... Well, the crack seed has all kinds of different names.
Chong: So how do you grow crack, man. Like, in a closet with grow lights?
Cheech: No, man. I figure they never seen a crack plant in L.A. We'll just plant it out by the freeway.
Chong: How do you know it's good stuff?
Cheech: I tested it, man.
Chong: You smoked one of those seeds, man? They look hard to light.
Cheech: No, dude, I watched the little kids checking theirs. They lick it. So I licked some of that Rock Salt Plumb, the Shredded Mango and one called Wet Lemon, which was pretty gross.
Chong: So, it's good stuff?
Cheech: Powerful, man. My mouth just seized up. Couldn't open it for an hour. Then I had to drink a gallon of water.
Chong: That's heavy, man.
Cheech: Those Hawaii dudes are hard core, man. Sometimes, they don't even wait for the crack to grow. They just sit around all day eating the crack seeds.
Chong: Total heads, huh?
Cheech: Yeah, man. They must have built up a tolerance.
Chong: Hey, man, I'd like a little hit off of the that Sweet Sour crack seed. Just a taste.
Cheech: OK, man, but be careful. (Chong licks the dried plum.)
Chong: Wow, man, that's righteous! Let me have another lick.
Cheech: No, man. Not while you're driving.
Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail email@example.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at: