Honolulu Lite


Friday, May 4, 2001

Salud! Stinko de
Mayo is here again!

Happy Stinko de Mayo! Well, actually, Stinko de Mayo is tomorrow, May 5, the day that people of good taste from around the world celebrate hating mayonnaise. It is the annual holiday of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club (, which I formed 13 years ago, and which, I understand from certain e-mails, some of you are getting good and sick of hearing about.

That's just tough. I know those letters are from some underground pro-mayo group trying to undermine our righteous goal of making Mother Earth a mayo-free zone. Besides, we receive mostly positive and inspiring letters, like this one from Erik in Menlo Park, Calif.:

"I used to have the genetic defect of liking mayo but my coworkers paid me $500 to eat two quarts of it in one sitting. I can't imagine ever eating it again. I can't get the smell out of my hands! I'm nauseous just thinking about it. PS. I have pictures/video if you want."

I think we can take Eric's word on this. Last thing we need are pictures, right? Eric's cure is a bit extreme, but you can't knock success. I'm not sure if it would work here in Hawaii where two quarts of mayo seems to be the minimum on any plate lunch.

Now to the news ...

Hair Club for Dolphins?

WASHINGTON (Reuters) >> In a reflection of their intelligence, bottlenose dolphins named Presley and Tab at the New York Aquarium have shown the ability to recognize themselves in a mirror, a quality previously seen only in people and the great apes.

After catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, Presley reportedly told his fellow dolphins, "Hey, how come no one told me I was bald and had a big schnoz? I thought I looked like The King!"

Getting Ahead in Albania

TIRANA (Reuters) >> A destitute Albanian widow with four children to feed was dejected when the family's only cow gave birth to a two-headed calf.

But the hapless creature, born with two brains and two mouths, brought them great fortune when a U.S. veterinary association bought the newborn for $25,000. The undisclosed U.S. group also offered the widow money for the calf's mother, but she refused to sell it. "Maybe it gives birth to another calf like this," the woman said.

Actually, she said, "I'm Albanian, not stupid." Later, the woman's son took the cow to town and traded it for three "magic" beans.

Weird Web site of the week: Staying on the subject of cows, this week's wacky Web site is a quickie. It's called simply "Mr. Cow." Once you hit the site, you see a blank screen. Then you hear a very realistic cow moo that continues and turns into a guy laughing hysterically. OK, so it's not someone reading "Anna Karenina," but it's pretty funny. Type "Mr. Cow" at any search engine to find it.

Quote me on this: "Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said to him, 'be fruitful and multiply.' But not in those words." -- Woody Allen

Alo-Ha! Friday compiles odd bits of news from Hawaii
and the world to get your weekend off to an entertaining start.
Charles Memminger also writes Honolulu Lite Mondays,
Wednesdays and Sundays. Send ideas to him at the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin, 500 Ala Moana Blvd., Suite 7-210,
Honolulu 96813, phone 235-6490 or e-mail

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