Honolulu Lite
It's possible Earth
doesn’t need savingTo: All You HumansHiya, people. We gotta talk about this Earth Day thing. I appreciate the thought, but I'm getting too old for birthdays. Besides, I get the feeling the whole Earth Day celebration is about you, not me.
From: The Earth
Re: Earth DayNow, it's great everyone was picking up garbage on Sunday and giving speeches about saving me. But I don't need to be saved. I'm over 4 billion years old, pal. And doin' fine. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'll be doing all right long after you folks have evaporated into the cosmic ether.
It seems to me that most of Earth Day is taken up with people sniping at each other. The Greens, which is what environmentalists like to call themselves, attack politicians and corporations for spreading pollution, sucking out oil and using aerosol sprays that destroy the ozone. See, that's one of the problems. Why would environmentalists call themselves "Green"? Check it out. I'm BLUE. Many of you humans have good intentions but are sooooo self-centered. Most of me is water and most life on Earth is underwater. So by calling yourself Green, it shows you've got a bit of agenda going here. You're mainly interested in saving yourselves, not yours truly.
Which is cool. I can understand that. I mean, you are all you've got. But you have to get over the idea that you can somehow control what happens to me. I'm a big boy. Whether you use aerosol sprays or not doesn't matter in the big picture. You can't stop global warming or global cooling if that's what's going to happen. Say you manage to clean up the air, then I pop a few volcanoes around the world, blot out the sun with dust and, bingo, it's the Chilly Season.
I'm not against you trying to keep things neat and tidy. Kids should keep their rooms clean. Just don't say you're saving the Earth when you pick up a few beer bottles off the beach.
I've survived fine without your help. And there've been tough times. Take the Triassic Period. Now THAT was a bad-hair era. The Jurassic Period was a walk in the park by comparison. Man, it was hot, hot, hot. No polar icecaps to cool things off. Those darn tectonic plates grinding all over the place, causing volcanos, earthquakes and flooding. What was that, 240 million years ago? Seems like yesterday. You folks weren't even a gleam in my eye back then. You didn't show up until 250,000 years ago, all hairy and weird-looking. You all looked like Chuck Norris. Couldn't even light a match.
Then it took you nearly 200,000 years just to domesticate a dog. And you still haven't figured out cats.
So, another Earth Day's gone. Good. Anniversaries are the worst invention you people ever came up with. It's rude to remind someone how old they are. I still have a couple of million good years left, which is more than I can say for you. So, why don't you just lighten up and savor the moment. I'll tell you a secret: It was worrying that killed the dinosaurs. They wouldn't listen either.
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