KEN SAKAMOTO / STAR-BULLLETIN
Linda Shiraishi often uses charts such as this one explaining
some childrens' need to test the world firsthand, to help parents
understand the role of personality in miscommunication
and misunderstanding at home.

A relationships expert says
personality types strongly affect
how parents relate to kids

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By Nancy Arcayna
Special to the Star-Bulletin

INDIVIDUALS are like pieces in a gigantic jigsaw puzzle, differing in shape, temperament and personality, all trying to fit in for the sake of society. Considering all of our differences, it is amazing that any of us are able to communicate.

"It's even more amazing that we are able to communicate with our kids," says Linda Shiraishi, director of People Patterns. Many parents tend to focus on what is wrong with their children and try to "fix" them, she said. Shiraishi takes the opposite approach in parenting workshops entitled "The Magical Kingdom of Parenting in the Land of Oz," in which differences are viewed as gifts and not deficiencies.

Shiraishi started the program because she recognized a lack of information available to parents. She was aware of her own lack of validation growing up. "I was shoved into a place where my dad thought I belonged. He said a woman should be a secretary, nurse or a teacher, so I went to school to become a legal secretary."

Since then she has realized the importance of identity and how self-acceptance leads to acceptance of those different from ourselves. "It is validating to know I'm not broken. ... My differences are my gifts," she said. "Studies have shown that 20 percent of people change their personality types. But I think people change behavior, and if given the chance, they return to an environment where they can be who they want to be."

Shiraishi asked me to sign my name using the hand I normally use to write. Then she asked me to do the same thing with my opposite hand, which was more difficult and uncomfortable. "That is how it feels when someone is operating in the opposite of their preference type. Many of us are living that way, and we don't know why we can't get along with our children or why they don't listen to us. We need to recognize their preference type and treat it as a gift," she says.

Understanding the differences in types is the first step in understanding one's children and others. A parent who feels a child is not following instructions may need to modify those instructions in a way that the child can understand, based on his or her personality. Shiraishi uses the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator to determine personality type, based on the following categories:

>> Extraversion vs. introversion

Extraverts receive their energy from the people, places and things around them, while an introvert's energy comes from the inner world of thoughts and reflection. These types of differences can cause problems for children in school.

"Kids can get into trouble in the classroom for thinking aloud. Oftentimes we are telling our children not to think when we tell them to keep quiet. We are not really providing ways for them to think, like in discussion groups. Some children just need to be in a classroom that is very active." She recommends getting kids into accelerated programs because they better accommodate different personality types.

Children often feel guilty for being a certain way or feel stupid because they cannot do something, but it may be that the teacher or caregiver is not meeting the needs of the child's personality.

Another problem may be that (extraverted) parents think something is wrong when their (introverted) child chooses not to have lots of playmates. They like quiet activity, and popularity just is not important to them.

>> Sensing vs. intuition

Most people are sensing beings, processing information that is obvious to them immediately through their experiences or their five senses of sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste. The intuitive individual processes information with an added a sixth sense, an examination of possibilities.

"A sensing child may not understand directions if they are given in an intuitive fashion. They need clear-cut examples."

Intuitive children may have imaginary friends and build abstract things instead of looking at what is actually there. A sensing mom can be a downer to the intuitive child. For example, the child may say, "Mom, look at the mermaid." The intuitive mom, who encourages play and great imagination, would ask for details and color. The sensing mom would assure the child that there was no such thing as mermaids. That explains all these people who believe telling your kids that there is a Santa Claus, tooth fairy and Easter bunny can lead them to be disillusioned.

>> Thinking vs. feeling

Then there are the thinkers vs. the feelers. Shiraishi says 65 percent of women fall under the feeling category. The feeling mom puts Band-Aids on fake boo-boos and may have a struggle with discipline. Thinking moms and dads (65 percent of males are found to be in the thinking category as opposed to feeling) do not have difficulty sending their children off to school and have problems with irrational things like the cute little "fake boo-boo" routine. In some families, the father always handles the discipline because it is easier for him to logically take care of things without feelings getting in the way, explains Shiraishi.

>> Judgment vs. perception

Another way personality differences show up is in the way we organize ourselves. A judging lifestyle is part of a planned and orderly life. The perceiving lifestyle is flexible and adaptable, reflecting a "go with the flow" attitude.

"Judging people have difficulties making plans on the spur of the moment. They are rule-oriented and struggle with never-ending tasks," Shiraishi said. These types of parents need to clean everything up and be organized before they can read to their children or engage in playtime. On the other hand, perceiving parents do not care whether the laundry is washed and clothes are folded. They stop fussing over tasks to do fun things with their children.

Parents should take from the workshop the knowledge that children need to feel important. Parents who criticize because they are different or not meeting your expectations: You may be damaging their self-esteem and forcing them to be something they really do not want to be, warns Shiraishi. "What fun would it be if we were all the same?"

Profiles in Personality

What: "The Magical Kingdom of Parenting in the Land of Oz" workshop
When: 6 to 8:30 p.m. Friday and April 27 at Mililani YMCA, free, sponsored by the YMCA; 6 to 9 p.m. April 24 or May 22 at Kaiser Honolulu Clinic, $45 members/$50 non-members for individuals; or 6 to 9 p.m. May 10 or 29 at Education Works, 2850 Pukoloa Street, $50 for individuals and $70 for couples.
Call: 623-5438 to register

What type are you?

I = introvert: Focuses on the inner world of concepts and ideas.
E = extravert: Focuses on the outer world of actions, objects and persons.
S = sensing: Percieves life through immediate, real and practical facts.
N = intuitive: Perceives life through relationships and meanings of experiences.
T = thinking: Prefers to make judgments or decisions objectively, impersoanlly, considering causes of events and where decisions may lead.
F = feeling: Prefers to make judgments or decisions subjectively, weighing the value of choices and how they matter to others.
P = perceiving: Prefers to live in a spontaneous, flexible way, aiming to understand life and adapt to it.
J = judging: Prefers to live in a planned and orderly way; aims to regulate and control events.

Extraverted types

ESTP: Matter-of-fact, does not worry or hurry and generally conservative in values. Enjoys whatever comes along. May be a bit blunt or insensitive. Are at best with real things that can be handled, put together or taken apart.

ESTJ: Practical and realistic with a natural head for business or mechanics. Likes to organize and run activities. May be good administrators if they remember to consider others' feelings and points of view.

ESFP: Outgoing, accepting, friendly and makes things more fun for others. Finds remembering facts easier than mastering theories. Best in situations that demand common sense and practical ability with people and things.

ESFJ: Warm-hearted, talkative, popular, conscientious. Needs harmony and is good at creating it. Always doing something nice for someone. Works best with encouragement and praise. Interested in things that visibly affect people's lives.

ENFP: Enthusiastic, high-spirited, imaginative. Able to do almost anything that interests them. Quick with solutions and willing to help others solve problems. Often relies on the ability to improve as opposed to planning in advance.

ENFJ: Responsive, sociable, popular, sympathetic and responsible. Normally concerned about what others think. Sensitive to praise and criticism.

ENTP: Quick, ingenious and good at many things. Makes stimulating company and is alert and outspoken. Resourceful in solving new problems but may neglect routine assignments. Skillful in finding logical reasons for what they want.

ENTJ: Frank, decisive, leaders in activities. Usually good in anything that requires reasoning and intelligent talk. Are normally well-informed and enjoy adding to their knowledge. May sometimes be more confident than their experience warrants.

Introverted types

ISTJ: Serious, quiet, practical, orderly, logical, realistic, dependable and organized. Takes responsibility. Makes up mind as to what should be accomplished and works toward it steadily regardless of protests or distractions.

ISTP: Quiet, reserved, observing and analyzing life with detached curiosity. Usually interested in impersonal principles, cause and effect and how and why measures. Tends to work hard because any waste of energy would be inefficient.

ISFJ: Quiet, friendly, responsible. Works devotedly to meet obligations and lends stability to any project or group. Patient with detail and routine. Loyal and considerate of other's feelings.

ISFP: Quiet, sensitive, kind and modest about abilities. Shuns disagreements and does not force opinions on others. Does not care to lead and is often a loyal follower. Relaxed about getting things done, preferring to enjoy the moment.

INFJ: Quietly forceful, conscientious and generally concerned for others. Succeeds by perseverance and desire to do whatever is needed or wanted. Puts best efforts into work. Respected for firm principles.

INFP: Full of enthusiasm and loyalty. Cares about learning, ideas, language and independent projects. Friendly, but often too absorbed to be sociable. Not concerned with possessions or physical surroundings.

INTJ: Normally have original minds and a great drive for their own ideas in fields that appeal to them. Skeptical, critical, independent, determined and often stubborn.

INTP: Quiet, reserved, impersonal and very logical. Interested mainly in ideas and not one for small talk. Tend to have sharply defined interests.

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