Mayo haters
spread the word
SOPHIE from Paris writes: "Hello all Nomayomen, Quite a surprise to realize that YOU! in the US were being disgusted by a quiet French product. What a honor for us! Please, the process must keep going, do something! Organize a strike!!"
Now, the average reader might not be able to make heads or tails out of that statement. But I have become quite good at decoding messages from people around the world who hate mayonnaise. What Sophie is saying in her charming French fashion is that mayonnaise sucks, she was delighted to find my Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club (nomayo.com) on the Internet and wants our efforts to rid the world of the white slime to continue.
I bring this up because people in Hawaii, a state that wallows in the devil's condiment, think the few of us here who hate mayo are deranged lunatics.
We may be deranged lunatics, but mayo has nothing to do with it. Since the No Mayo club was founded right here in this column space 13 years ago, Honolulu Lite has been the lone voice of reason in a state afloat with mayo.
BUT there are people of good taste around the world who support our lonely fight in Hawaii. Here are a few actual emails, complete with misspellings and weird grammar, to prove it:
"I'm a mayo hater from Mexico. My ex-girlfriend loves the mayo and one time I don't want to eat with she because all the food had mayo. In my house all the family's food have no mayo because of me, and I'm very proud of that. Let's destroy all the mayo of the world! It's very awful."
"My name is Marianne, I live in France and I'm 13. I just heard about your site who was told the stupidest site of the week. I didn't resist and I went there to get a quik peek. Congratulations, I think your site is really funny though, I don't care if it's stupid." (Thanks, Marianne. I think.)
"I am from Mexico City. I really don't write and speak very well English but I'm trying just to say that you created something that I hope all my life: a 'club that hates mayonnaise' that's great. I just want to say: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU."
From Maria Bonita in Spain: "I am terribly sorry if you feel sick with my words ... but that's my own feeling: As soon as, long long time ago, I've seen the new opening of a MAYO tube, I suddenly and directly felt ... Oh,my goodness, this is the same as when an infected, decayed and softpimpled spot, is projected. This is a nightmare that goes together with my destiny." (Maria is decrying, in her operatic way, the fact that mayo is sold in disgusting tooth-paste-like tubes in some backward countries.)
"I live in South Texas where everything is done big. My husband, a redneck at the worst, uses mayo on everything, and he uses a lot of it. I used to not mind mayo but after 9 years of buying those large jars each week and watching him smother deer and hog meat with it I just can't stand it anymore. I've been thinking about a divorce. Any suggestions?" -- Denise-Wife of a Redneck Mayo Addict (I include this email because Texas likes to advertise itself as a whole other country. Denise, if the man consumes as much mayo as you say, your problem will soon take care of itself.)
So buck up, mayo haters of Hawaii; it's a big world and we're not alone.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
The Honolulu Lite online archive is at:
https://archives.starbulletin.com/lite
