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The Goddess Speaks
I shouldn't complain. My husband helps out a lot around the house. If I'm baking cookies and forget the eggs, he'll drive to the store to get some, without complaint. He does more than his share of chauffeuring the kids to soccer practice and dental appointments. Most men don't. Still have a long
way to go, babyBut who has to worry about what to cook for dinner every night, or whether we're running out of toilet paper, or labeling the kids' school supplies? In the majority of households, women bear that burden. That's because society expects us to. Back in the dark ages when the men were out hunting, the women were tidying the cave and cooking the meals.
More recently, Ozzie brought home the bread, while Harriet stayed home to bake it. Nowadays with two income households, both Ozzie and Harriet have to worry about bringing home the bread, but only Harriet has to stay up late to bake it.
Even though managing a house full of kids is a full-time job, most men view their role in the household as "helper." Would a man settle for "helper" role at his workplace? No way. Yet, off the job, he is perceived by society as a hero just for being a helper. If a father coaches his son's baseball team, everyone thinks "what a great dad!"
When a mother does the laundry or dishes, does anyone think "what a great mom!" ? (Hey, I'd trade a toilet brush for a baseball glove, any day.)
Just as it is easy for a man to earn stripes for coaching his kid's baseball team, it is easy for women to earn demerits for failing to perform tasks that society deems as their responsibility. So when the house is messy and someone drops by, who is embarrassed? Women, because they are expected to keep the house clean. Men only have to "help" in order to shine. Women have to do everything expected, just to keep from looking bad.
UNFORTUNATELY, this unfairness translates into lower pay for women in the workplace. Women still make only 74 cents to every dollar that men make in the same job. Some of this can be attributed to outright discrimination.
Other factors are more subtle, like the reality that women are the ones who have babies, and the pressure society exerts on us to be good mothers.
Women have to endure pregnancy and take off from their careers to care for the baby. Men can become fathers without change to their figures or taking so much as a side step off their career path.
Most companies make women choose. So as not to be bad wives or mothers, women will forgo after-hour mixers, weekend overtime, or high-powered positions that require a lot of travel. As a consequence, women tend to choose career paths that lead to less pay. (Ever wonder why so many teachers are women? Summers off with the kids is good incentive.)
In the "having it all" '80s, yuppie women stopped at one child and started to climb the corporate ladder. After bumping the glass ceiling, many of them chose the "mommy track" instead. Some of them tucked their law or medical school diplomas away so they could tuck their kids in at night instead.
While workplaces are becoming more friendly toward women, there is still almost a complete lack of recognition that equality in the workplace begins at home. As long as society expects women to carry the burden of full-time jobs at home, we will not be able to choose careers at the highest levels without running the risk of being viewed as a bad wife or mother.
Men need to shoulder more of the worries of running the household, and society needs to expect it.
Coralie Matayoshi is an attorney,
Executive Director of the Hawaii State
Bar Association and mother of three.
The Goddess Speaks runs every Tuesday
and is a column by and about women, our strengths, weaknesses,
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