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Honolulu Lite
If you ever have to jump from a building into a Dumpster, remember: Jump straight down. If you leap away from the building at an angle, you will miss the Dumpster. Aim for the center of the Dumpster, preferably a large box of debris, and preferably that debris should not be a discarded automobile engine block. Handy tips for
rugged survivorsThese are just a couple of handy suggestions contained in a book called "The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook," which was sent to the newspaper recently for review. Most books that come into the newsroom for review are books that, as Dorothy Parker once said: "should not be set aside lightly, but thrown with great force." But the "Worst-Case Scenario Handbook" is different. It is full of common sense instructions to help you survive everything from escaping from quicksand (a constant problem in Hawaii) to surviving if you are in the line of gunfire (an even more constant problem in Hawaii.)
There's a section on what to do if confronted by a shark, which would seem to be relevant to Hawaii, but really isn't. I already know what I'd do if I was confronted by a shark. I'd jump up and run across the surface of the ocean until I was in Wahiawa.
The book also tells what to do if you run out of air while scuba diving, some nonsense about calmly kicking for the surface while exhaling.
No. What you do if your scuba tank runs out of air is swim up behind your partner and yank the tank off his back. Let HIM calmly swim to the surface while exhaling.
These being extremely litigious times, you can't publish a book like this without the possibility of being sued. So the "Worst-Case Scenario Handbook" has one of the coolest disclaimers I've ever seen. Now, keep in mind the only reason the book exists is to teach you to survive various horrible situations. And yet in the first paragraph is the warning, "Do not attempt to undertake any of the activities described in this book yourself."
I guess they were concerned about the scenario: What to do when confronted by an angry lawyer whose client jumped off a building into a Dumpster and broke his neck after reading your book.
I don't really understand the Dumpster-jumping scenario. I've been in many buildings and never had the urge to jump into a Dumpster. Although, I suppose, if the building were on fire, I'd be a bit more motivated.
Other interesting scenarios include how to wrestle free from an alligator, how to win a sword fight, how to leap from a motorcycle to a car, how to land a plane and how to survive if your parachute fails to open. The answer to the last one thankfully is not "sprout wings." The actual answer is to grab hold of your sky diving partner and hang on. Of course, if your sky diving partner was also the scuba diving partner whose air tank you snatched, he might not be so willing to help you out on this occasion.
The advice on how to survive if you are in the line of gunfire is fairly common sense: "get as far away as possible" and to "run fast and not in a straight line." Anyone who inherently doesn't already know this may not have the necessary zeal for life to reach old age.
The trick to surviving quicksand is to "carry a stout pole when walking in quicksand country." I don't know which country that would be, but I assure you, it's a country where I would not be walking, stout pole or not.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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