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Honolulu Lite
WHY doesn't everybody just let Bill Clinton just fade into prosperity like all former presidents are allowed to do? His last-second pardon of Marc Rich, one of the wealthiest men in the world, is a done deal. What did you expect? Did you think Bill would start building houses with Jimmy Carter? The man has not touched a hammer in his life. Charley’s angles
can’t beat Bill’sHe has absolutely no marketable skills, kind of like a newspaper columnist, except Bill can't even type. He can't cook. He can't drive a vehicle, other than a golf cart. He can't perform brain surgery or spread asphalt. He can't stuff a basketball or sell an insurance policy. He's a hot-house flower nurtured at the public trough for all of his adult life.
So when he was faced with going out into the real world, he had to find some way to make the tons of money needed to finance the lifestyle to which he hopes to become accustomed.
Of course he took millions of dollars from a federal fugitive. That was where the money was. Duh. Now some sawed-off Janet Reno-wannabe U.S. attorney has launched a criminal investigation of the Clinton-Rich pardon. The only way the prosecutor will be able to prove anything is if she can get Rich's ex-wife, Denise Rich, who funneled her ex's money into Clinton's campaign and presidential library, to talk. And that's not going to happen.
If there's one thing Bill is really good at, it's surrounding himself with tough women. Hillary is undoubtedly the meanest, toughest woman in America. She could lug a couch on her back from the White House to a U-Haul trailer, while karate kicking cameramen along the way.
Then there was Susan McDougal, who went to jail for Bill rather than spill the details of their Whitewater land deal to the special prosecutor. Her husband caved in like Sammy "The Bull" Gravano and squealed his guts out. But Susan would have gone on the rack for the president.
Now there's Denise Rich, a ruthless society maven, who could have been raised in the same orphanage as Hillary and Susan. She looks like she could take a life. And that's just with her enormous hair.
I'd hate to meet these three ladies in a dark alley. Which is why this pardon investigation is going nowhere. It's not that Rich didn't bribe his way to freedom. Of course he did. That's what rich people do. He did it the same way rich companies bribe congressmen to either pass or not pass legislation that will make the companies even richer.
IT'S the American Way. No company or person donates thousands of dollars into a political campaign without expecting something in return. The Clintons just had a way of doing things bigger. Not only did they accept campaign contributions, but they rented out the Lincoln Bedroom. Not only did Bill have sex outside his marriage, he had it inside the Oval Office. Not only did the president use his awesome power of pardon to free some people unjustly incarcerated, but he used it to free a man who spit on his country and traded with the enemy. Bigger! Grander! Tackier! Go, Bill!
I'm thinking of founding the Honolulu Lite Memorial Library. (Please, no jokes about most of the books not being colored in.) This will be a library built entirely from money donated by readers. In return, contributors will get absolutely nothing. If the name of their company appears in this column sometime down the road with a glowing testimonial, well, that'll just be a strange coincidence.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to cmemminger@starbulletin.com.
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