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My friend was shaking his head about the first days of the Bush administration. "I can't tell if I'm witnessing the beginning of a new presidency or the start of an evangelical crusade," he said. Welcome to the
White House revival"That's an unfair exaggeration," I said. "It's easy to tell the difference between President Bush and the evangelicals. The evangelicals show some interest in secular issues."
Bush set the tone for his administration by appointing Bible-thumping revivalist John Ashcroft as attorney general. Ashcroft was available because he was on the wrong end of the ultimate political revival: He lost his Senate seat to a deceased opponent.
The new president's first two weeks have been about abortion, prayer breakfasts, meetings with cardinals and rabbis, tax vouchers for parochial schools and giving churches billions of federal dollars to run "faith-based" social services.
Bush bristles when critics suggest he's pandering to conservative Christians because the religious right contributed so heavily to his campaign. He's got a point. They weren't his only contributors. He's going to have to spend most of his time pandering to the oil industry.
The president denies that he's pushing Christianity over other religions. He feels strongly that Americans should receive federal services no matter what God they believe in -- as long as He has a son named Jesus.
Bush promises compassion even for those who don't believe in God at all. He'll pray for them.
He talks about his faith in the afterlife. Don't knock it. If you don't believe in life after death, just look at Dick Cheney.
Bush experienced that awkward moment every new president faces when his closest friends asked if they should call him by his first name or Mr. President. Bush had an easy answer: Just call him Ayatollah.
His daddy the former president is getting a new title, too. From now on, George Sr. will be known as Father Superior.
Bush said his initiative on social services is just the beginning of a faith-based approach to solving national problems. The possibilities are staggering.
For a fraction of the cost of providing prescription coverage to Medicare patients, the federal government could pay faith healers across the country to tend to the health of senior citizens.
California's governor could solve his state's electricity crisis by baiting the Democrats into doing something to annoy God, which shouldn't be difficult, and waiting for the thunderbolts to strike.
We can abolish the Electoral College and let the College of Cardinals decide who's president. We'll know the winner when we see the smoke coming out of their chimney. It'll be faster than waiting for Jeb Bush to make the Florida vote come out right.
Instead of sending troops to enforce the cease-fire in the Middle East, the most sensible road to peace may be to send missionaries to convert both the Jews and the Muslims to Christianity.
The president's followers in the religious right could be of great help in paying off the federal debt. They could do it the same way they financed his campaign -- go on TV Sunday mornings and collect the money from gullible pensioners.
Bush will turn over the national parks and decisions on federal land policy to the oil industry. Hey, we can't expect the churches to do everything.
After last year's close election, Bush knows he needs to get an early start on 2004. He's putting a campaign group together already -- the Committee to Re-Beatify the President.
David Shapiro can be reached by e-mail at davids@aloha.net.
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